February 1, 2005
I am in a great mood. Although today was not so good. The job I'm at is really starting to take a toll on me. I feel that I'm a punching bag for Daddy Don. He's bitchy with me all fucking day. Gave me such a huge headache. I don't like to be his punching bag. It makes for a very bad work environment. Anyway, I get home after and my roommates have been changed. I actually wanted that. The one I did have was horrible. It was always about him. He's gone now and went to my meeting and it was pretty good. I keep thinking about this guy I met on Saturday at MJ's. I went over to his house last night and it was so nice to be with someone all night! To have him in my arms all night. The sex was incredible and he is such a great kisser! We'll see what happens, but I do kind of like him.
February 3, 2005
So I'm being completely obsessive with new guy and not in a way with him and not at him, but in my thoughts and that is not a good thing. Taking too much space in my head over a man could lead to bad things. I'm still going to my meetings but starting to loose focus. What do theses feelings mean? I know I like this guy. Just let things happen, yeah right!
February 8, 2005
Good morning. I went to my Monday meeting last night and first meeting in three days. I can see the behavior coming back and that is not good. The insanity. I'm not crazy but before I get there I need to get back on track with my meetings, which I have. My roommates are getting on my nerves. They never pick-up or do their dishes. LAZY! People relapsing all the time in the house and being able to stay. Oh well. The job area of my life is going OK. I think I may have an interview sometime this week making some good money. I'll just turn it over to God and see what happens. Working for Daddy Don has been a blessing but the amount of respect that he gives me is minimum and that is not encouraging at all. I get so pissed off at him for treating me like that. At least I have a job though. Still I don't need to be treated that way or disrespected.
February 10, 2005
Wow, yesterday was such a roller coaster ride! First, the day was great, I went on my interview and only sat down with the lady for a maximum of ten minutes and she loved me and hired me on the spot. Sobriety honey is good but I still have my doubts. The job is going to be great. So close to where I live. I can't express how happy I am. Now I am also getting paid $14/hr. Yeah! It will be a good thing. I'm so excited! I am going to start tomorrow, on Friday. Now about how my day took a turn downward. I came home after the interview and the one of the guys brought home someone who was kicked out last weekend and he was still high on meth and just fucking left him with me to go hang with his boyfriend. How selfish! What an asshole! So then he calls me on the phone and begins to tell me I need to be more compassionate. This is my sobriety and I have to guard with my life. So FUCK him! Anyway he was asked to leave also. The was overall good, and got my HIV test and was negative again. YEAH!
February 11, 2005
Good morning! Today I have 60 days sober! I'm so happy and so proud of myself. I have worked hard and have been through so much you know? If I sit and think about my life, it has not been so bad. I have my health and friends. I'm so grateful for this. I'm so grateful for God. I would not have made it this for without His help. Today is my last day with Daddy Don. He has been such a blessing! He even said that if it doesn't work out with my new job that I can always come back and work with him. He has been so helpful in my life and my sobriety. I'm going to miss Don. I'm looking forward to my new job though. This is going to be so great for me! The money is wonderful. So convenient to everything. Home, meetings etc. Now that I want to move out! But I want to make a commitment and stay for four more months. Just stay put and stay sober, and be patient!
February 12, 2005
Good morning. OK, 61 days and I'm sad. Well, I'm starting to isolate again and obsess about what everyone else is doing and loosing focus of what I need to be doing. Why am I such a drama queen!? Why am I so hard on myself?! I should be proud that I have the time that I have, but I am still not accepting it. Overall, I'm OK but now and then I started to get depressed and it is all about men mainly. God has given me a chance to make something of myself and I do not want to mess this up I'm healthy and am very lucky. I have a wonderful life.
February 13, 2005
Good morning. Well, I made it through another day sober. Thank God! Last night I went to my meeting at Hollywood Squares, was a good meeting. Afterwards, we went to MJ's and I had a blast! The only thing is, I had seen the group of guys I had relapsed with before and I got just a little nervous! But I was OK. I made sure know one left me alone. Maybe I should stop going out for awhile because that was too close for comfort. It was kind of nice to see them in a way because I look a lot better than I did the last time that little Latin boy saw me on my very last time I had relapsed and the look on his face was classic and I will never forget that! That alone should keep me sober! I also watched "The Passion of the Christ" and it just put me back into perspective about how my life is not that bad and that I need to be more grateful about the way things are. At least I'm healthy and not DEAD!
February 14, 2005
Good morning. I'm excited today. I start my new job at Legalzoom.com. I have a good feeling about this job. I am going to do my best and learn from my past mistakes and other jobs. Just know and keep in my head that I am there only to do a job and that is it. I want to go far with this company. It is a .com company and I have a feeling it will be a good thing. My own company is somewhat the same type of business and I am very excited to get that going. Other than that, the weekend was overall OK. Yesterday all I did was just rest and I feel great this morning.
February 15, 2005
Good morning. Well my new job went well. I think that I am going to be a good fit. Wow, the people are nice and I feel pretty good about the whole job. We'll see though. I don't want to get my hopes up then come crumbling down. I'm starting to get lazy and not going to meetings again. I have to snap out of it real quick or things, bad things, are going to happen. I want to make myself a promise and to go to a meeting everyday this week no matter how I am feeling period!
February 16, 2005
This is NOT a good morning. The owner of the house has gone behind all our backs and let someone who has relapsed three times move back in the house and has upset me to no end! I can not believe it. The first thing I want to do is run away and move out! I just saw a segment on the news about a kid who has cancer and it made me realize that all my complaints and problems are nothing compared to what this kid is going through. So God, thank you for my life.
March 5, 2005
Things have been really hectic with me. I've managed to stay sober almost 90 days on the 11th. I was working out this morning and on the treadmill I was all tense. I then started to think about all the things I'm grateful for, which is a few. It started to make me feel a lot better. Well a little bit. The sober living is somewhat better. I am trying to stay here for at least 6 months so I only have 3 more to go. I'm so angry all the time. Feeling very isolated, which of course is of my own doing. I'm trying to reach out but it only lasts for only a short while, is it because I'm so mean or a mean person. No one wants to hang out with me. Or if they do, it turns into us having sex! I wish I knew how to set boundaries. I'm starting my fourth step now and I've been working on my resentment list and I feel that it is not that thorough, so we'll see.
April 15, 2005
Good morning God. Been a long time since I wrote. A lot has happened. I have 4 months of sobriety now and I feel GREAT! I am learning to let things go more and not obsessing as much. People still get on my nerves quite a bit, but I am trying to reach out more. I am almost done with fourth step. Good feeling and I am trying not to get involved with any men and work through my feelings and it's not easy!
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