Just Stuff ...

May 4, 2012

I woke up this morning a little anxious.  So much on my mind ... has kept me in my thoughts way too much.  After sharing all my previous journals from a few years back and having read all of those for the first time since I wrote them at that moment, I felt a little unsettled a bit.  I think it is because I have been thinking if my life has even changed at all since then.  Well, I know for thing, I AM not so crazy about being with someone, that was so insane to read journal after journal about the same thing, over and over again.  Good grief how much "crazy" was in my head at the time and how I made my existence revolve around whether I had a boyfriend or not or whether someone liked or not and I spent so much energy and so many days just thinking about that and only that.  How I would determine whether I had a good or bad day based on that crap I continued to write about.  Did I have a problem or was I just insane?  Who knows at this point but I am relieved I have moved my focus on other things such as my health, and by that I mean since I became HIV positive it has been a challenge to stay positive, no pun intended, and keep out of the misery or the depression I seem to find myself dipping into a lot lately.  Lately the depression has been taking me to very dark and lonely places, only because I have been allowing it to progress to a point where I start to consider suicide and start to even plan it and how it would be done.    

The last few weeks have been a challenge but I have amazingly stayed strong and not stress out over it.  I was planning on moving because I was behind in rent due to the fact that I can not find work and now that we are in the age of the internet and social media craze, we are not allowed to go directly into a business and physically apply for a job anymore.  They require you to go online and do it that way.  Now I totally understand the reasoning behind it, but I don't have to agree with it.  How is someone going to be able judge your character by a computer screen.  When I was a manager of a huge law firm downtown Los Angeles, I would require you to come in because I needed to see how you present yourself and react to the questions I would ask and see how you are dressed.  I may have an impressive resume, but if I am not able to sit face to face with you, how are you going to truly find out what kind of person I am!?  So the whole process has been very defeating and such a hit to my self esteem and moral or energy and motivation.  

A couple of days ago I got another therapist to help me deal with some underlying issues that I have compressed so deep inside that I don't even know what they are any more, but I know that I tend to fly off the handle at any given moment in a rage or start crying.  And I have a lot of anger towards my dad and can't seem to put that behind me.  I am of course going to my AA meetings on a regular basis, so those are encouraging and very helpful.  Always nice to seek outside help, and there is NOTHING wrong with it!