Remember all the memories I have as I went through High School and until I left for Los Angeles, California to live with my real father after graduation, they were full of up and downs, trials and tribulations. Relationships, well, they came and went. I want to share an experience of one teenager who was not only fighting back inner feelings of sexual identity but also fighting loneliness and depression. Someone who was abused, physically and mentally by his step father. Someone who just wanted to be liked and did anything to just be able to fit in.
I was that teenager. High School was pretty tough for me in regards to building friendships etc. I was a new student just a year prior to being a freshman and that was all the time I had to be able to meet and build new relationships in this new town we had moved to. It was not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Since the town of Clarkston only had a population of less than thirty thousand at the time, one would think that it would be quite simple to meet friends and quality people in a city of that size. Well, it was much more difficult than coming from a city of over four hundred thousand. I did meet some really nice and fun people, don't get me wrong, but still it was very difficult for an outsider to come into a community of people who have known each other since they were kids, and their parents as well had grown up together. I was always being made fun of what I was wearing, I guess if I wasn't wearing parachute pants or some sort of rock band t-shirt, then I was not cool enough. My parents, mainly my step dad, convinced me that I should get involved with sports or something so I did. I joined the football team and ran track. It helped a little, but not much. I always excelled in regards to my grades and always had a above average grade point average and was diligent about doing my homework after school.
High School was a whole different ball game. I was so scared of being a freshman and all the horror stories that went along with it. Stories of Freshman being put in dumpsters, being rolled up in the carpet that was on the Senior ramp. If was insecure in Junior high, well this was no comparison at all. Everyone seemed so much bigger to me there, with all the different cliques and groups, etc. Just became more stressful for me. I continued to play sports, football and track. I participated in both those sports up until my Senior year. I wanted to be able to enjoy, or at least try to enjoy my last year of High School. Anyway, during my JV run in football, I never played one game. I went to every single practice, in sometimes 100+ degree temperature and the coach still never put my in any of the games, so I decided to say adios to sports after that season!
I mentioned struggling with my sexual identity earlier, well, it was a struggle to deal with it and finally accept who I was. I guess I always knew that I was "different" from all the other guys. They all had girlfriends or talked about their experiences with girls and I had nothing to tell. I pretended sure, but they were just tales to tale. I really came into my feelings during the summer of my Sophomore year before going into my Junior year. I guy, a year older than me, had befriended me in my Sophomore year during track and we became close through out the end of that school year and began to hang out for the summer. He was your typical jock. Very popular and very good looking. I was surprised he wanted to hang out with me, but we started to do things together that summer. Going to down to the river to swim, he would try and teach me how to work out at his house with his machines. It was a lot of fun, I finally felt like someone really was being a friend to me.
The summer went on and we were inseparable. I would stay over at his house on the weekends and sometimes during the week and as well, he would at my house too. I guess I started feelings for him for him and they were exciting and scary at the same time, but being so young and not really knowing what those feelings were about, I kept them to myself because I thought that if he really knew how I felt, it would all end and we might not hang out any more and those late night experiences would go away. We had gone out all day on a Saturday and we worked out, went to the beach and just had a great time. That night, I stayed over, and we were asleep and sometime in the middle of the night I was sort of asleep, I really could not with him laying next to me, we both only slept in our underwear. All of a sudden I felt a brush of my hair and I was freaked out. I was laying close to him and facing him, close enough to be able to feel his breath on my face. I opened my eyes just enough to see that it was him caressing my hair and staring at me in a tender way.. I froze and nothing came of it. Of course, the rest of that night, I could not sleep and was completely caught of guard by the incredible moment that happened that night. We continued to have episodes like that the entire summer. I could not wait to spend the night at his place again.
I wonder until this day if he ever came out of the closet.
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