Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... Absolute INSANITY!

April 13, 2002

Good morning, well not really.  My sister and I are still not talking to each other.  I'm really upset at how she doesn't want to understand what I'm going through.  How I'm, and I quote "out doing my own thing".  What is that supposed to mean?  I know I am doing the right thing and is all that matters!  Yes it is all about me right now and my sobriety, and I can not let anything stand in my way of that!  So I may seem a little selfish right now, oh well!  I was always doing things wrong the last time, now time to do the right thing and move on with my live because who knows what tomorrow will bring me.  Sometimes I fee as though Andrea doesn't care what I'm going through because she isn't going down the road to her recovery.  I wonder if I or we can ever or will ever have a close relationship as brother and sister.  We won't until she takes her initial step towards understanding how I feel.  She will always be angry with me.  Good Bye!

April 15, 2002

Well, Monday night and what a crappy day.  I feel as if I will never get well.  What does "well" mean anyway?  If being well means being like an asshole or judge mental towards other people than I'm at a deli ma.  See tonight I went to a straight AA meeting and I wanted to share and as soon as I was called on I identified myself as a "drug addict", well, I was immediately interrupted and was told I can not do that here.  Well, I got pissed off and embarrassed at the same time so I ended up not sharing at all.  I felt as though I didn't belong again.  I started to pout and build a resentment toward the man who did that to me, but realized that was old behavior and just told myself there are other meetings, but at the end of tonight's meeting so many people came up to me and made me feel so welcome.  I snapped out of my anger quickly.  Good Night.

P.s. I'm going back to that meeting!

April 20, 2002

Good morning, wow, what a couple of days I have had!  I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of days.  I feel OK, though I know I need to go, I had a huge pimple that abscessed and made my whole right side of my face swell up.  I also was in a whole lot of pain.  I ended having to go to the hospital and have it lanced so it could drain.  It turned out to be a spider bite.  It is so ugly.  I am so afraid to out in public for fear of people starring at it because it is so ugly.  I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I'm afraid of what people will say or more importantly, not attracting anymore.  Stupid, but that is how I feel.  Tonight I do have to give a friend a birthday cake for his one year AA sobriety tonight at the Hollywood Squares meeting.  I made Van a commitment, so I will be there no matter what.  

May 1, 2002

Good morning.  So much has happened since the last entry!  Found out who some people really are.  My "sponsor" is no longer my sponsor, I have stopped going up to L.A. for meetings due to the fact I found myself falling back into the same rut I was in when I walked through the doors of AA before.  Old Behavior, so I am now starting with meetings down here in Long Beach.  Meeting new friends and so on.  I feel alright though.  My dad and I are on the right path back to a relationship, which feels great.  I know we have a long road ahead of us but it's a start.  A couple of days ago I was honored to meet someone, very attracting.  My emotions aren't in overload like they usually are when I meet someone like him.  I feel pretty confident about myself.  He is interested in me.  Whatever happens will.  I know I need to keep my head on straight, and not make him my higher power. 

May 4, 2002

So, as expected and turns out to be a weekly routine, my sister and I got in a fight again and as usual over something stupid.  She like to pick fights just to create drama.  This time I had a date!  She asked if we had sex and I told her "none of her business".  Well, she didn't like that one bit.  Told that she hates me!  Well, fuck her!  I'm so through with all this fighting.  I can not wait to get a job.  I'll pay her back and get out.  Not have to deal with her anymore if that is how she feels.  She loves to put words in my mouth or tell me things she said and then try to make me feel guilty about it, but she never sees have the shit.  She is trying to say that she wanted to go to a meeting with me last Saturday when that was such a lie.  I'm always asking her.  She is so full of shit!  I'm only nite to her when I need money, another fucked up lie!  I refuse to talk to her or tell her anything anymore!

May 6, 2002


Good news, I finally got a job.  It's supposed to be for a long time, but we'll see.  Looking forward to it and to finally be working again!  I'm not shutting any doors though.  I'm waiting to hear from Well's Fargo Bank.  I'm still not talking to Andrea.  I'm really getting sick and tired of all this!  Now that I have the job I'm going to start to look into the sober living house because she is gonna push me over the edge - maybe.  It will be for the better that I move to a sober living anyway.  That way I will be around people who know what I am going through.  Although I do appreciate what she has done for me and what she is doing but this is not working out for me!  The person I met also thinks I am getting too serious because I'm getting too romantic.  Well, just because I like to kiss and snuggle and be a little affectionate does not mean I'm falling in love.  What is the matter with people.  Get a grip!  I can't have a relationship now.  I think he is the one who is falling quicker than he wants to and that's why he keeps bringing up the fact that he does not want to get involved with anyone but he says he will not shut the door to the po0ssibility to having one.  WEIRD PEOPLE!

January 11, 2003

Wow, what has happened since the last time I wrote!?  So much, my sobriety took a turn downward for awhile.  I don't know if I finally hit my bottom this time or not but pretty close.  I fell out of the meetings last August of 2002 and now I am finally getting back into them.  I don't know how to feel about that yet, but I have to admit I do feel great!  Over the summer things went OK.  I had a chance to work for a good friend of mine, Jeff Gahn, AKA Karen Dior, in Hollywood.  He and his boyfriend flew me to New York for my first time.  It was Gay Pride too that weekend.  I helped them prepare to be in the parade.  It was sort of fun but Jeff's boyfriend was such a freak!  Always screaming and yelling at me and Jeff.  I came back from NY early actually.  I finally got my dream job at Wells Fargo Bank.  Ended up being a supervisor too! (happy)  I'm quite happy OK!  Now it also is the night before my beau moves down from Seattle and I have mixed emotions right now.  He has been flaky with me the last few weeks and now I don't know how to feel about all this.  He call the night before he comes down?  

We'll see what happens ...

December 7 2003

There is this boy I really like and is making me so crazy, I don't know if he even reciprocates the feelings.  I just don't know what to do.  I am only 34 days clean again and going completely nuts.  I'm feeling lonely again.  I do try to reach out to people but they start to let me down.  I want to love!  How do I love myself?  I do pray for help, but it sure is slow process.  

January 19, 2004

So, things are pretty good today.  Tor and I are hitting it off pretty good and going at a slow pace, but I do love him.  I just wish that he would tell me more about his feelings toward me.  He does who me though and that is so wonderful but of course I always want more!  He's a great guy though.  He does give enough.  Personally I need to grow a lot more.  Be me and more secure with myself.  People do love and care about me and I have to learn to trust in that and not second guess it all the time.  I have started to open up more and more to my sobriety family which is nice.  The response has been incredible.  I'm finally meeting with my sponsor today.  Kind of nervous, but excited at the same time.  As I was all stressed out a few weeks ago.  I feel pretty calm now.  Coming up on ninety days again, YEAH!

January 20, 2004

It is so nice to wake up in the morning and not feel like crap!  It's nice to feel again.  Tor came in my room last night.  I realized how I enjoyed his company when he slept over with me.  He is such a beautiful man.  I told him I loved him yesterday.  It sort of scares me, because I don't want him to run away from me now!  I find myself thinking of the future with him.  This time around I am not trying to look that far ahead of me.  I love him and he is a great guy, but all we have is today with each other and I plan on making it a great day because I am sober!

 

October 9, 2004

Wow, what a busy week and good one at that.  Once again I'm coming up through my thirty days, but you know right now it is not bothering me at all.  I've been keeping busy.  It feels really good.  I've been getting closer to my friend Kenny and he's a wonderful friend.  It's been to be able to be there for someone else.  I haven't been to a meeting all week so need to get to one.  

December 20, 2004

Today is Monday and I was let go from my job today.  Just moved back into sober living.  The house is very comfortable, and has a great feeling.  I'm coming back off a three month relapse.  This one has literally kicked my ass.  It sent me to a place I hope I never have to visit again.  Those days are so vivid in my head.  So just got back from my meeting at Melrose and Mansfield.  It was a good meeting.  This weekend I crossed paths with an old friend and don't know where the feeling are at but would like to have something with him, mostly a friendship. 

January 1, 2005 

Well, it's 2005.  A New Year and another fresh beginning.  A chance to forget about last year and the pain and anguish that I put myself through.  what a year 2004 was.  Time to move on.  So I am having feelings of sadness, rejection and loneliness.  These feelings are very difficult to deal with.  Why can't I just learn to trust in God and just know that my time will come to have that someone to love and trust but until then I have to be trustful and turn it over to you Lord.  You are my relationship that I need right now!  Please help me get through this!

January 3, 2005

It's Monday morning and I made it through the New Year and another birthday.  I'm sober and somewhat feel pretty good.  I was able to work through my problems and feelings.  My friend Mark B. was very helpful in getting through them.  I did pray a lot also.  It's still hard for to just turn it over to God but I'm trying.  An old friend contacted me over the weekend, which surprised me.  Carlos, hmmm, we'll see how this turns out.  But I sort of like Brad.  So cute and nice.  Oh, but I have to stay focused and just learn to love myself.  

January 8, 2005

My last relapse was, I hope and believe was the worst one.  The insanity of it was something that I ho0pe I will never forget, and to do that I want to sort through my feelings and the thoughts of those last four days.  Those days of feeling completely alone and isolated.  Feeling of despair and heartache.  My life at that point was meaningless.  I was not thinking of ending it, but I had lost all hope and the motivation to go on.  To much pain but not knowing where it was coming from.  Not knowing how to make it go away.  What I did was try to kill myself unknowingly.  All I wanted to do was to continue to get tweaked out.  The days rolled into each other and soon four days of being completely out of my mind.  Unconcious to any feeling or any thought.  It's so painful.  complete selfishness.  When I finally came down enough from being high to realize what I had put my body through, physically and emotionally, I looked in the mirror and saw no reflection, a ghost!  A dead man looking back at me.  It was so frightening.  I couldn't look any more, and I went to lie down because I was feeling naucious.  It was then I saw he real destruction I had caused to myself.  There was blood everywhere.  I couldn't figure out why there could be blood.  I mean so much, on everything.  The wall, toilet, bathroom floor, tub and all over my comforter.  I was so disgusted in myself, but was so tired and worn out that all I could do is flip over the comforter so I could get some rest.  I had this guy I would mess around with before, he called me the last night I was up this time.  Let's talk about being demoralized.  He came over one last time and I caught him looking at me in amazement and a state of shock with the way I looked.  I will never forget the look on his face.  That was my bottom.  I have never been so embarrassed in my life, but did not realized it until I had come down from being so high a day later.  Then finally reached my bottom.  The realization of what I still did with him.  I still slept with him.  How humiliating.  The reason why is because knowing that he did not want to be there with me was too much.  I went through the motions anyway.  he stayed for awhile after but then soon left.  Those days I hope I never have to repeat if I stay close to God and make sure that I never run away again.  

January 9, 2005

Sunday and I have been sick all weekend.  In the house as well.  Not been to a meeting all weekend either and by can I feel the difference.  I feel so uncomfortable here.  I do not like some my roommates.  Where is the hate coming from?  One of them called me a big mouth and I totally resent that.  Well, he will up shooting himself sooner or later.