Sitting here at work at the 76 gas station on my first hours of my shift and I have already begun obsessing about my life. This is a dangerous place to be for me right now. I finally really ended it with Anthony. It finally came to a breaking point with him. I am willing and want to make my life better and I'm taking the steps I need to have it happen. What is my part in all this? Well, I am trying to figure it all out. I know I should have been more aware of his needs and wants and not been so angry all the time, etc. I just started to get resentful about the fact that he was not working and never took the initiative to find work and would always depend on me to pay for everything. I did not mind at first, but that was when I was managing the law firm before I was laid off and now I don't make all that money anymore and now work at this gas station to try and pay my bills. I felt like he was taking advantage of me and I resented that whole heartily.
I know I have some work to do and I am taking the first steps toward getting well. I'm not going to pretend that all this doesn't hurt or my heart is not in so much pain that I would rather be home on the couch with my dog feeling sorry for myself. I am doing the contrary action which is working, a bit at a time, I guess, baby steps. I am reaching out to people and trying to be of service. I have been slowly starting to hang out with other people again. There is one person, Danny, of course I am so into him ... we are both going through the same thing currently regarding our ex's and I am sure it's obvious. I get so intimidated when I am around him that I can not speak or fumble my words, good grief like a high school girl! He is such a sweetheart of course and has an amazing heart and I think that is what is so attracting about him, is he is so humble. My head is telling me that he is also feeling the same way, is it because I am feeling so vulnerable right now and anyone who looks at me I will fall in love with!? Who knows!? Of course I want to "be" with him, but I know exactly where that would lead to, and then it would become very weird because we are friends. See how my thoughts immediately go to sex and relationships!? Insane behavior that always gets me in trouble.
With Danny, I truly want to do things differently and I know my flirting will always be a problem until i start my therapy. This is when I'm going get better. Not have to seek the validation of someone else to make me feel good about myself. Right now I do feel like I need something to fill the void, again because my heart is so broken right now, I am looking for anything to fill or mend it, whatever comes along, scary. I am finally in my life going to get the help I need to get past all the pain I have built up until now in my lifetime. I have full faith that this is going to be the "light" at the end of the tunnel for me. I am just exhausted and done with being sad and depressed all the time.
March 27, 2010
I had an interview today at LA Fitness and they want me to meet the GM. Today has been busy. Well, I mean I "kept" myself busy. Went to the gym and had an amazing workout. After my workout, I had an incredible day. At work now and this is driving me crazy being here when I really want to be at the CMLA Convention tonight. I want to get more involved with the program. Working Friday, Saturday and Sundays are really making it hard and I miss my regular meetings. This is day two of finally calling it off with Anthony and I'm getting through it better than I thought. I think I fell out of love with long ago and this was a blessing in disguise. As the days go by, I know I am going to heal and get over and through this. I am not thinking about him much anymore, which is a good thing. I made a few calls today to some people to try and reach out. No one called me back, but that's OK, at least I am doing my part and trying to participate in my recovery. I just can't wait for my therapy to begin. Then my life really can start to move forward in a positive manner.
March 31, 2010
Well, I am back at work on a Wednesday and it has been a pretty OK week so far except for Monday. Monday is when I completely let Anthony know that we are not going be friends either at all! This entire time he has been lying to me regarding his new boyfriend. He has been stringing me along like some fucking dog! I know that going into Jordan's, Anthony's new boyfriend, facebook page was not going to help matters much but I wanted to see what this kid looked like. So I then felt as though I had to leave him a message in his in box letting him know what Anthony has been doing. I was so mad and so hurt so with that I am completely done with him at this point, no more chances with this ass hole! I can't even be his friend at this point either and don't think I ever will. So here I am once again trying to heal from the latest episode with Anthony. This far the meetings of AA and meeting with my sponsor has been helping. I am meeting new people both in AA and outside the rooms. This person on facebook requested to be friends with me, so I accepted and as a result he has been pursuing me and his name is Kevin. He lives in San Diego and we have spoken a few times to get to know each other. I am not sure if I am ready to jump into anything right now, but willing to meet and get to know each other at least. We have made plans to go ahead and meet with each other and I am going down there in a week or so.
I haven't heard back from Mid-Wilshire therapy. I hope I do soon so I can start digging into my deeper self. I am totally motivated to get my therapy started and to stop feeling the way I do, up and down with my mood swings. I also called our old consulting attorney while I was manager at my previous law office regarding employment and he is willing to hire me so I am very excited! I will know on Friday whether I am starting soon or not. I hate working at the gas station now. I have to find a job that is going to be Monday through Friday because I really need to be with my AA friends.
March 27, 2010
I had an interview today at LA Fitness and they want me to meet the GM. Today has been busy. Well, I mean I "kept" myself busy. Went to the gym and had an amazing workout. After my workout, I had an incredible day. At work now and this is driving me crazy being here when I really want to be at the CMLA Convention tonight. I want to get more involved with the program. Working Friday, Saturday and Sundays are really making it hard and I miss my regular meetings. This is day two of finally calling it off with Anthony and I'm getting through it better than I thought. I think I fell out of love with long ago and this was a blessing in disguise. As the days go by, I know I am going to heal and get over and through this. I am not thinking about him much anymore, which is a good thing. I made a few calls today to some people to try and reach out. No one called me back, but that's OK, at least I am doing my part and trying to participate in my recovery. I just can't wait for my therapy to begin. Then my life really can start to move forward in a positive manner.
March 31, 2010
Well, I am back at work on a Wednesday and it has been a pretty OK week so far except for Monday. Monday is when I completely let Anthony know that we are not going be friends either at all! This entire time he has been lying to me regarding his new boyfriend. He has been stringing me along like some fucking dog! I know that going into Jordan's, Anthony's new boyfriend, facebook page was not going to help matters much but I wanted to see what this kid looked like. So I then felt as though I had to leave him a message in his in box letting him know what Anthony has been doing. I was so mad and so hurt so with that I am completely done with him at this point, no more chances with this ass hole! I can't even be his friend at this point either and don't think I ever will. So here I am once again trying to heal from the latest episode with Anthony. This far the meetings of AA and meeting with my sponsor has been helping. I am meeting new people both in AA and outside the rooms. This person on facebook requested to be friends with me, so I accepted and as a result he has been pursuing me and his name is Kevin. He lives in San Diego and we have spoken a few times to get to know each other. I am not sure if I am ready to jump into anything right now, but willing to meet and get to know each other at least. We have made plans to go ahead and meet with each other and I am going down there in a week or so.
I haven't heard back from Mid-Wilshire therapy. I hope I do soon so I can start digging into my deeper self. I am totally motivated to get my therapy started and to stop feeling the way I do, up and down with my mood swings. I also called our old consulting attorney while I was manager at my previous law office regarding employment and he is willing to hire me so I am very excited! I will know on Friday whether I am starting soon or not. I hate working at the gas station now. I have to find a job that is going to be Monday through Friday because I really need to be with my AA friends.
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