I want to begin this posting first by reciting something we in AA call ...
As I wrote out my journal's I was a bit scared to share them with anyone for fear of judgement or laughter for that matter. But what it did for me is show me how my thoughts were back in those days. As those were a number of years ago, when I read them, they seemed to be real fresh and I remembered every single entry I made and how I was feeling at the time. Sometime as I read them again as I wrote them here for all of you to read, I found myself enthralled in my writing, and what I mean by that is I sometimes cried and sometimes felt so much joy with my failures or disappointments and of course the joy I felt when I achieved a milestone in my sobriety or even just landing a job, which back then was a huge thing for me because my head was still a little bit crazy from doing the drugs for so many months in a row, 5-7 times a week and with a needle I injected my drugs, which is a whole different recovery in itself and takes a lot of dedication to keep on the path to recovery.
THE PROMISES ...
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will eave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. we will suddenly realized that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are this extravagant promises? We think not! They are being fulfilled among us - Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
(Pages 83-84 of the Big Book of AA)
As I wrote out my journal's I was a bit scared to share them with anyone for fear of judgement or laughter for that matter. But what it did for me is show me how my thoughts were back in those days. As those were a number of years ago, when I read them, they seemed to be real fresh and I remembered every single entry I made and how I was feeling at the time. Sometime as I read them again as I wrote them here for all of you to read, I found myself enthralled in my writing, and what I mean by that is I sometimes cried and sometimes felt so much joy with my failures or disappointments and of course the joy I felt when I achieved a milestone in my sobriety or even just landing a job, which back then was a huge thing for me because my head was still a little bit crazy from doing the drugs for so many months in a row, 5-7 times a week and with a needle I injected my drugs, which is a whole different recovery in itself and takes a lot of dedication to keep on the path to recovery.
Alcohol and drugs have been a huge part of my life since high school when I started to drink, and drink only to fit in of course. I found that it became a weekend thing and I definitely had to get drunk or my night was ruined or just would not be the same unless I had a VERY good buzz going on. I even took it a step further and I would get behind the wheel of my car and drive around town completely wasted with my sipper cup, and this thing was a 32oz full of Southern Comfort and 7up. I liked the sweet taste of it, made it go down better, easier and I "fucked" so much quicker. It was not only me in the car either, I would have 5-6 people in my car with me at all times. I would do anything to fit in. I remember one weekend I and four of my sisters girlfriends were cruising downtown, which was only a six block radius, with all of drinks right in the open for all to be able to see, and we were all drunk. I remember being pulled over by the police and having stopped my car right in front of my Mom's business downtown, but even better, I did not even pull all the way up to the curb! We were all taken to the police station and I was booked for DUI. My mom had to come down and get me and she was incredibly pissed off at me, and believe me I got my punishment! The Monday after that weekend when we all went back to school, it spread like a wild fire and as kids go, I was "cool" for a moment, say my fifteen minutes of fame. I am not proud of that, that is for sure and when it came time to go to court for the DUI, I had to relive it all over again with my Mom and she was upset all over again. I can't believe the mess I had gotten myself into and without any regard to how it would affect others, especially without any regard to the girls in my car with who all got in trouble by their parents as well and embarrassed my Mom completely.
Powerlessness over alcohol and drugs have been a VERY difficult journey for me. It has been about trying to understand how being powerless over my thoughts and the actions that lead up to me using alcohol or drugs, mainly drugs. By doing the work, hard work, and committing to staying sober and trying to be a better son, brother and friend and respecting my addiction and knowing how strong my addiction is and what it does to me when I give in to my weakness, and understand that the only choice I have now is to stay clean and sober and to be there for others as they have so unselfishly been there for me, time and time again.
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