January 10, 2005
Coming up on thirty days tomorrow again. Other than being sick, I feel OK. Over the weekend I had to move rooms, I was so mad at first but it has turned out to be a blessing. My new roommate is a nice kid, I'm lucky. It's Monday and I'm getting ready for work. Talk about being humble. The job is OK but I'm barely paying my rent. All I can say is I am learning something. Trying to be patient and know that God will take care of me. I feel like I am starting to isolate again. That's a scary place to be.
January 11, 2005
It was a good day today. I spent the day working at Daddy Don's, slow day. I celebrate thirty days again today. Also, God, I went to visit my friend Kris who lives next door. He looks very sick. Well he is very skinny and makes me sad and scared for him. But it also makes me realized how lucky I am and how much I appreciate life and what you have to offer me God! I love you for that. What is it that you have in store for me, I don't know yet, but, I promise you, I am going to try and stay sober for us. I want to have that chance to fall in love with your lord!, and have respect for myself and the confidence you want me to have. To be able to fulfill and live out my dreams. I know that without you that it won't happen. I can't do this alone. I'm starting to find this out.
January 13, 2005
I'm having those lonely feelings again. I understand that it is supposed to be this way, but I would love to have the physical companionship. I want to be touched and held and kissed. There is nothing wrong with that? Help me Lord get through this. Help me build that relationship with you. knowing that you are by my side makes everything so much better.
January 15, 2005
Saturday and I'm getting ready to go to work. It was a shitty day yesterday. I had an interview at Target and the pay is only minimum wage and then last night I over heard one of the roommates call me a bitch. Fuck him! Am I a bitch because I like to live in a clean house. I'm really starting to resent living here. I don't have anything in common with these people. Of course the first thing I want to do is just run. I wish I could be more patient and to be tolerant of people who just get on my nerves!
January 16, 2005
It's Tuesday night, just got back from mens stag meeting. OK ... How HOT is this, my friends Mark B and Kevin just had sex in the garage! We are all good friends and this was spur of the moment and it was GREAT! (laughter) Just what I needed (laughter) and there was no weirdness at all! Anyway, the overall day was GREAT! I worked all day, got a raise of $40 more a week. I like working with Daddy Don for now. He is someone I can talk to during the day to get my shit out and off my chest. The sober living (loosely said) is so pathetic. This is more like a flop house than anything else. There is no rules, people use drugs and get away with it. My sponsor said just don't follow them for me and don't worry about what else is going on. Which is not of my business. I know that I am doing what I need to do.
January 22, 2005
Well, good afternoon. It's been a good day so far. Just doing laundry and some cleaning. I did some work last night with my sponsor. Things are starting to click with me. Thoughts of using are going through my head but come and go quickly. I'm really happy with where I'm going. I love life! It may not be what I want it to be right now, but I am trying to let God take control of it for now. What I would like to know is why I am so caught up in so much drama. It's going to get me in trouble. Why do I thrive on it?! I wish I could just worry about myself and go from there.
January 24, 2005
Monday and what a day! A couple of people had gone out and I feel sort of strange inside. It was weird coming home to one of them still very high. It affected me but not in a way that I would use. But made me very angry that he came here the way he was. Very inappropriate behavior. Drama! Anyway I went to my meeting and my number was called again. I'm glad I was supposed to share. I'm not afraid to open up at that meeting. Sobriety for me this time means so much more this time. I love it!
January 30, 2005
It's Sunday morning and my thoughts are going wild. Not that I want to use but I had a dream last night and i my dream I was being teased and made fun of. I remember back in grade school when all the other students would make fun of me. It would make so sad and I was alone all the time. I feel like that here. Last night went out and these guys poked fun at me and it made me angry. Why do people have to be so cruel?! I have to admit I have to watch myself. I just feel like isolating myself today and not doing a thing with anyone at all. I still have not talked to my sister since she hung up on me a few weeks ago. What should I do?
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