The new chapter ......

I arrived in Los Angeles, California three days after graduation from High School to finally be with my dad.  To be able get to know him and find out if all the things my mom's family and, in the end, my mom was saying all along about my dad, was that he was a piece of shit and did not care an ounce for his children.  My mom was pretty hurt to see me leaving to live with him after everything he did to us as children.  I wanted to find out for myself, give him the benefit of the doubt per say.  To be completely honest, I was very excited to be with him, and also to be in Los Angeles.  A whole new start for me.  Away from all the negativity of living with my step dad and the ongoing challenges that school brought.  I was finally "free".

Well, free was not quite the word.  Although I really appreciated the time my dad and I started to share with each other in the beginning.  I had really hoped that this was going to be a time where we could finally become father and son after all these years.  The only thing about that is he thought he could just jump right in and be the "father" and not just be my friend first.  There is difference between being a father and being a dad.  A father is someone who is always there for you.  Someone who is a role model and takes care of you.  A father who picks you up when you fall down and skin your knee when you are a little boy who would always fall off his bike.  A father is someone who is there to encourage you and to tell you that you are the most beautiful son a father could ask for and say to you that dream big, the world can be yours. A dad is just someone in name only, a man who you share a blood relationship with and that is what I had with my dad, not a father.  

He just thought that he could step back in and play that role as a father and start giving me advice and setting rules on me and at the time I did not understand where he was coming from in trying to get through to me because I did not respect him enough him enough to be giving me fatherly advice.  I understand by living in his house I needed to abide by his rules, but sometimes he was overbearing and demeaning to me and would talk to me as if I was five years old again.  Of course I started to rebel and that is where all the problems began.  I wish I could say that all the problems that came about were all of his doing, but it would be unfair to him and I would be lying.  I was only eighteen when I moved here and as all eighteen year old boys who have  just moved out of his mommy's house, well  I thought I was an adult now and was able to make my own decisions and definitely if you grew up with my step dad, you sure as hell deserved it!

He was still with his third wife at the time and they had a  baby girl.  Which just until recently, I found out that she is not at all my half sister and is not his daughter.  Sounds like a soap opera.  I found that they had separated and she moved back to Spokane, Washington  for awhile and went back to her old boyfriend that is when it happened and she became pregnant.  She and my dad ended up getting back together and my dad excepted the baby girl and raised her as his own.  I really loved her as my own sister, and used to babysit her and take of her.  She was the cutest thing.  I really enjoyed every minute with my little sister and until this day, I still consider her as such. 

Time went on that summer and I got a job around the corner from where we were living at the time in the San Fernando Valley, a suburb of Los Angeles.  My job was at a grocery store bagging groceries.  I actually loved my job.  There was never a dull moment and they loved me there.  I worked very hard and it showed.  It was not long after I got the job I was promoted to the meat department.  Not as glamorous but still I was very proud.  I worked there all summer long until I applied at the bank next door to the grocery store and got the job.  This was my very first professional job and I was only eighteen still.  I was so excited to be able to wear a suit and tie to work.  I fell in love with my job and excelled there as well and was promoted three months after as a supervisor in sales.

I had saved up enough money to be able to buy a car.  It was not a fancy car, but it was a car and I was so happy to be finally mobile in such a huge city.  I also joined a gym and started to work out.  The gym is where I met a friend, a friend who started taking me out to Hollywood, to West Hollywood to be exact.  My dad did not approve of this, because he thought that people in Hollywood were all weirdo's and were all gay and so he had put a curfew on me and I had to be home by midnight.  I was not very happy about this and of course never followed it.  I continued to go out to West Hollywood.  I would be going over there by myself and found out about all the gay bars.  By this time I had finally come to terms with my sexuality but had not came out to anyone yet at this point.  It was very stressful going over the hill to West Hollywood and not letting my dad find out.

I continued to do this for some time and in the process had met an old boy.  He was in his mid twenties and we started to see each other.  I thought this was my very first boyfriend at the time.  Now that I look back at all of it, it was just experience, that is all.  He was very good looking and it was my first time being with another man.  It was during the summer and we did have a lot fun with each other.  He disappeared all of a sudden and I never saw him again.  I was completely devastated by this and for the first time felt my heart breaking.  I moved on and continued to do my thing and go over the hill to West Hollywood, the Jazmine in the air still sticks with me today. 

I ended up meeting some people that I would catch up with on a continuous basis and have fun with and just hang out.  We all became really good friends.  I was able to get into the bars and was never carded.  So I was able to experience quite a bit at only eighteen years of age.  Being in a city like Los Angeles and coming from a very small town, I fell for a lot of stories, believe me.  My dad and I got into some very heated arguments about me going out and that he did not like me going over there.  It just made it harder to be with him and all the negativity he kept saying about the gay thing, not knowing yet that I was.  I finally moved out and became roommate's with my new friends.  This would be the start of a fast and crazy life in Los Angeles.  I was finally able to be free to be who I wanted to be.