Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

April 2, 2010

It's Friday in the late afternoon and I'm at work.  I am waiting for the end of my shift and going to down to San Diego for the night to meet Kevin.  I am not sure what is going to come out of this, and not getting my hopes up because to be honest it is still too soon to date anyone.  We have chatted all week on the phone so he seems pretty nice and looking forward to meeting up with him and having dinner.  Yes, I am going to be staying the night, so what!  I need some attention and maybe a little ego boost too.  Again, there are no expectations from either one of us, just to enjoy each others company, for pete's sake, he lives in San Diego anyways.  Too far for anything else.  

April 15, 2010

So it has been quite a month and I am finally over Anthony now at this point.  It sure was quite a difficult process to go through and all, but I did it.  I am putting myself back together and back into AA.  I mean deep into the program.  What I have going on with me now is that I am continuing to look for my next boyfriend like "he" will be the fix to my problems.  I am so codependent.  I am getting a little more attention lately and not sure where all that is coming from, but whatever I can get at this point. (haha)  I am working out a lot more than usual to try and lose my excess fat I gained when with Anthony, boyfriend fat as I call it.  I got a new job today and as a result of all my prayers and positive thinking and of course the constant footwork!  I am very happy now and I can play catch up with everything, mainly my car!  I am also on the books to do a "movie" at the end of the month so that should do the trick. 

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

March 26, 2010

Sitting here at work at the 76 gas station on my first hours of my shift and I have already begun obsessing about my life.  This is a dangerous place to be for me right now.  I finally really ended it with Anthony.  It finally came to a breaking point with him.  I am willing and want to make my life better and I'm taking the steps I need to have it happen.  What is  my part in all this?  Well, I am trying to figure it all out.  I know I should have been more aware of his needs and wants and not been so angry all the time, etc.  I just started to get resentful about the fact that he was not working and never took the initiative to find work and would always depend on me to pay for everything.  I did not mind at first, but that was when I was managing the law firm before I was laid off and now I don't make all that money anymore and now work at this gas station to try and pay my bills.  I felt like he was taking advantage of me and I resented that whole heartily.  

I know I have some work to do and I am taking the first steps toward getting well.  I'm not going to pretend that all this doesn't hurt or my heart is not in so much pain that I would rather be home on the couch with my dog feeling sorry for myself.  I am doing the contrary action which is working, a bit at a time, I guess, baby steps.  I am reaching out to people and trying to be of service.  I have been slowly starting to hang out with other people again.  There is one person, Danny, of course I am so into him ... we are both going through the same thing currently regarding our ex's and I am sure it's obvious.  I get so intimidated when I am around him that I can not speak or fumble my words, good grief like a high school girl!  He is such a sweetheart of course and has an amazing heart and I think that is what is so attracting about him, is he is so humble.  My head is telling me that he is also feeling the same way, is it because I am feeling so vulnerable right now and anyone who looks at me I will fall in love with!?  Who knows!?  Of course I want to "be" with him, but I know exactly where that would lead to, and then it would become very weird because we are friends.  See how my thoughts immediately go to sex and relationships!?  Insane behavior that always gets me in trouble.  

With Danny, I truly want to do things differently and I know my flirting will always be a problem until i start my therapy.  This is when I'm going get better.  Not have to seek the validation of someone else to make me feel good about myself.  Right now I do feel like I need something to fill the void, again because my heart is so broken right now, I am looking for anything to fill or mend it, whatever comes along, scary.  I am finally in my life going to get the help I need to get past all the pain I have built up until now in my lifetime.  I have full faith that this is going to be the "light" at the end of the tunnel for me.  I am just exhausted and done with being sad and depressed all the time.   


March 27, 2010

I had an interview today at LA Fitness and they want me to meet the GM.  Today has been busy.  Well, I mean I "kept" myself busy.  Went to the gym and had an amazing workout.  After my workout, I had an incredible day.  At work now and this is driving me crazy being here when I really want to be at the CMLA Convention tonight.  I want to get more involved with the program.  Working Friday, Saturday and Sundays are really making it hard and I miss my regular meetings.  This is day two of finally calling it off with Anthony and I'm getting through it better than I thought.  I think I fell out of love with long ago and this was a blessing in disguise.  As the days go by, I know I am going to heal and get over and through this.  I am not thinking about him much anymore, which is a good thing.  I made a few calls today to some people to try and reach out.  No one called me back, but that's OK, at least I am doing my part and trying to participate in my recovery.  I just can't wait for my therapy to begin.  Then my life really can start to move forward in a positive manner.  




March 31, 2010


Well, I am back at work on a Wednesday and it has been a pretty OK week so far except for Monday.  Monday is when I completely let Anthony know that we are not going be friends either at all!  This entire time he has been lying to me regarding his new boyfriend.  He has been stringing me along like some fucking dog!  I know that going into Jordan's, Anthony's new boyfriend,  facebook page was not going to help matters much but I wanted to see what this kid looked like.  So I then felt as though I had to leave him a message in his in box letting him know what Anthony has been doing.  I was so mad and so hurt so with that I am completely done with him at this point, no more chances with this ass hole!  I can't even be his friend at this point either and don't think I ever will.  So here I am once again trying to heal from the latest episode with Anthony.  This far the meetings of AA and meeting with my sponsor has been helping.  I am meeting new people both in AA and outside the rooms.  This person on facebook requested to be friends with me, so I accepted and as a result he has been pursuing me and his name is Kevin.  He lives in San Diego and we have spoken a few times to get to know each other.  I am not sure if I am ready to jump into anything right now, but willing to meet and get to know each other at least.  We have made plans to go ahead and meet with each other and I am going down there in a week or so.  


I haven't heard back from Mid-Wilshire therapy.  I hope I do soon so I can start digging into my deeper self.  I am totally motivated to get my therapy started and to stop feeling the way I do, up and down with my mood swings.  I also called our old consulting attorney while I was manager at my previous law office regarding employment and he is willing to hire me so I am very excited!  I will know on Friday whether I am starting soon or not.  I hate working at the gas station now.  I have to find a job that is going to be Monday through Friday because I really need to be with my AA friends.  

Just Stuff ...

May 5, 2012

What an amazing morning this has been!  I am continuing to feel so much better and I honestly feel I am finally coming out of my "rut" that I have been in for so long!  What a journey this has been and a such a struggle, but I somehow have had the faith I needed, whether it was conscious thoughts or in my sub-conscious, either way, I made it, or better yet, I am making it to that light at the end of the tunnel I have mentioned before so many times and I felt that it was dimming quickly and becoming out of my reach.  Life with all it's challenges and ups and downs are "only challenges" that one can overcome with a little hard work and faith in God and your friends and things will turn around.  That is a far stretch from where I was a few months ago.  Faith has carried me through thick and thin and "stuff" always seems to work itself out, BUT in the eleventh hour for me, but none the less, still works out.  


As we say in AA, sponsor's play a key role in our lives if we let them.  If we trust and learn to open up our feelings and be utterly honest with who we are and how we are feeling they can become the "light" that some of us are looking for.  I have been around the block with the amount of sponsor's I have had.  Some time ago, I was being called the "Elizabeth Taylor" of sponsor's, meaning like her many husbands, I have gone through just the same in sponsors and due to my part because of the fact I was not willing to take a look at myself.  Take a look at who I was and try to find the root or the cause of all my resentments and anger toward, really toward everyone because I was not willing to do the work that was only "suggested" of me.  I was, and still am to an extent,  someone who wants to be "well" now damn it!  But how long did it take for me to become the person I was, a life time, so trying get "well" overnight is completely impossible and that is why I "fired" so many sponsors in the past because I was unwilling to accept the direction they were giving me for fear I was being "told" what to do.  I now understand the reasoning behind all of it.  It is because a couple of factors, one is because these people truly cared and loved me for who I am and saw the person inside that was screaming to be able to shine through all that hate and anger, and also the resentments I was harboring deep down in my soul, two is because they also gave so freely of their time and effort to be able to make sure that I would be able get through all of that "stuff" I had pushed and kept hidden all those years.  


The sponsor I have now, I have had for over two years now and I could not have been any luckier than I am to have found him.  He, like all my other sponsors, is so compassionate and loving, and so caring of who I am, and I think God had presented this person right in the time in which I would be ready and willing to accept any and all direction or suggestions he would and has given me thus far.  He is so generous of his time with me and takes that time out of his own life to make sure I am put in the right direction and on the right path to finally enjoying life and accepting the person God has made me to be and to let all of the "issues" go, because in the sceam of things, they are not all that important and as I mentioned above, they are all part of life's challenges and they are meant to be overcome or God would not have put them there to begin with and knowing that I would be able to some day be the man I am intended to be.  


I am truly grateful ..... I am starting to sound like a broken record, but these things are so important for me to remember and keep close to me and to NEVER forget where I have been and where I am going in life on this incredible journey of ours. 

My Best friend .... My Mother .... My ROCK!

I saw a segment on the TV today about women who are diagnosed with breast cancer and it immediately took me back a few years ago when I was in my early twenties and finding out that my Mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer and how that made me feel at the time, and actually how amazingly fresh it still is in my thoughts.  They are sad thoughts, not so much now, but I still remember that phone call.  I was living here in Los Angeles by then with my dad when I received the call.   I was really nervous and scared for my Mother.  Of course my head went straight to her not making it through this, not that I didn't want her to, but I had the "what if" thought and I started to cry on the phone with my Mother, which isn't hard to do.  I take after her in that we are definitely emotional, passionate people.  I cry on Kodak commercials, that should give you an idea.  Anyway, after I was done crying, my Mother comforted me and told me that she is going to be fine and will make it through this because she is a strong woman and that she was not ready to leave us yet.  She was comforting me, I should have been the one comforting her and telling her that everything will be OK.  I sort of fell apart because, as much as I hate to admit it, but I am a Momma's boy and always have been.  There are times when just the sound of her voice makes everything better for me.  

She was only forty years old when the first bout with the cancer came and she went in and had the surgery and had the lump removed and also some of her limp nodes as well under her armpit area.  She needed to go on radiation and keemo therapy to make sure the cancer had not spread anywhere else in her body.  We were lucky, she was in God's hands and was taken care of and He heard our prayers.  We thought that this would be the end of us seeing our Mother having to go through this ever again, well, we were wrong and it came back about five years later but in the other breast and it came back with a vengeance this time.  The doctor's did the same procedure and she had to go through all the treatment again and because she was older, her body was a little more weak to be able to handle the treatment of both the keemo and radiation at the same time but she made it through once again.  Again, we were taken care of and in God's hands one more time.  By the time she was almost fifty, again the cancer came back but this time to the original breast this all began with and we were very concerned at this point because the doctor told her that she probably would not make through the treatment after surgery this time.  He told her that she had no choice but to have a radical mastectomy.  My Mother was so stubborn and I understand now, and that it would be the same if I were to have my testicles removed that I would feel less of a man and that is how my Mother was faced with the fact that she would wake up out of surgery and have her woman hood taken away from her.  We children and the rest of the family told that she had no choice and that her decision affected all of us and just not her, so she finally gave in and the doctor offered to do a new procedure that had been introduced and that she would not have fake breasts but breasts that were made of her own tissue.  Fat from around her mid section was extracted to rebuild her breasts.  She ended up with a tummy tuck and bigger breasts.  She woke up out of surgery and was so happy.  

My Mother has so much strength in her and for what she has gone through in her life, from raising three kids to having husbands that abused her both mentally and physically and for her to still be an amazing woman, Mother and my best friend is truly what I can say is the definition of a Mother!  As I right this I am a little emotional, full of happiness and so proud to be able to have been born to her and how God has granted my two sisters and I the most incredible Mother anyone could ask for.  I love her with all my heart and soul and now that I am in Los Angeles and she is up in Washington State, I don't see her very much and she is now sixty years old and I know there will come the time for me to say good bye to her, but until then I want to cherish EVERY moment and breath that I have and she breaths because she "Is my ROCK!", and I am her number ONE fan!

I love you Mom ... 

Mom and my sisters and I at Xmas time

      

Just being gorgeous

I used to love to watch her get ready, so pretty

     

My beautiful Mother at her wedding to current soul mate

Just Stuff ...

May 4, 2012

I woke up this morning a little anxious.  So much on my mind ... has kept me in my thoughts way too much.  After sharing all my previous journals from a few years back and having read all of those for the first time since I wrote them at that moment, I felt a little unsettled a bit.  I think it is because I have been thinking if my life has even changed at all since then.  Well, I know for thing, I AM not so crazy about being with someone, that was so insane to read journal after journal about the same thing, over and over again.  Good grief how much "crazy" was in my head at the time and how I made my existence revolve around whether I had a boyfriend or not or whether someone liked or not and I spent so much energy and so many days just thinking about that and only that.  How I would determine whether I had a good or bad day based on that crap I continued to write about.  Did I have a problem or was I just insane?  Who knows at this point but I am relieved I have moved my focus on other things such as my health, and by that I mean since I became HIV positive it has been a challenge to stay positive, no pun intended, and keep out of the misery or the depression I seem to find myself dipping into a lot lately.  Lately the depression has been taking me to very dark and lonely places, only because I have been allowing it to progress to a point where I start to consider suicide and start to even plan it and how it would be done.    

The last few weeks have been a challenge but I have amazingly stayed strong and not stress out over it.  I was planning on moving because I was behind in rent due to the fact that I can not find work and now that we are in the age of the internet and social media craze, we are not allowed to go directly into a business and physically apply for a job anymore.  They require you to go online and do it that way.  Now I totally understand the reasoning behind it, but I don't have to agree with it.  How is someone going to be able judge your character by a computer screen.  When I was a manager of a huge law firm downtown Los Angeles, I would require you to come in because I needed to see how you present yourself and react to the questions I would ask and see how you are dressed.  I may have an impressive resume, but if I am not able to sit face to face with you, how are you going to truly find out what kind of person I am!?  So the whole process has been very defeating and such a hit to my self esteem and moral or energy and motivation.  

A couple of days ago I got another therapist to help me deal with some underlying issues that I have compressed so deep inside that I don't even know what they are any more, but I know that I tend to fly off the handle at any given moment in a rage or start crying.  And I have a lot of anger towards my dad and can't seem to put that behind me.  I am of course going to my AA meetings on a regular basis, so those are encouraging and very helpful.  Always nice to seek outside help, and there is NOTHING wrong with it!  

Prayers that I like to voice ....

Third Step Prayer ... (Page 63 out of the Big Book of AA)

 "God I offer myself to thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power.  Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.  May do Thy will always!"

Seventh Step Prayer ... (Page 76 out of the Big Book of AA)

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to your and my fellows.  Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding, Amen."

 I Pray this as humbly as I can ...

Lord thank you:  for all the blessings that you have poured on me, my family, and my friends.  Thank you for my health, my job ... for everything Lord.

Grant those the opportunity that don't know you and to those that have forgotten about you ... to know you as I know you, as the God of eternal kindness, grace and mercy.  As the Father who lovingly watches over us, daily taking care of our every need, who will never leave us nor forsaken us and is always available, at anytime, to listen to our every word.  

Thank You for always loving and caring for us even when no one else does.  Thank You for making me your child because you loved me enough to forgive my sins (past, present and future) by sending your blood (Jesus Christ) to keep me from an eternal death in hell!  I trust you with my life and I can't do anything with out you!  Continue to guide me and strengthen me to further be of service to you and others.  

Amen ...

Powerlessness ...

I want to begin this posting first by reciting something we in AA call ...

THE PROMISES ...

 "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.  Self seeking will slip away.  Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will eave us.  We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  we will suddenly realized that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.  Are this extravagant promises?  We think not!  They are being fulfilled among us - Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  They will always materialize if we work for them."

 (Pages 83-84 of the Big Book of AA) 

As I wrote out my journal's I was a bit scared to share them with anyone for fear of judgement or laughter for that matter.  But what it did for me is show me how my thoughts were back in those days.  As those were a number of years ago, when I read them, they seemed to be real fresh and I remembered every single entry I made and how I was feeling at the time.  Sometime as I read them again as I wrote them here for all of you to read, I found myself enthralled in my writing, and what I mean by that is I sometimes cried and sometimes felt so much joy with my failures or disappointments and of course the joy I felt when I achieved a milestone in my sobriety or even just landing a job, which back then was a huge thing for me because my head was still a little bit crazy from doing the drugs for so many months in a row, 5-7 times a week and with a needle I injected my drugs, which is a whole different recovery in itself and takes a lot of dedication to keep on the path to recovery.  

Alcohol and drugs have been a huge part of my life since high school when I started to drink, and drink only to fit in of course.  I found that it became a weekend thing and I definitely had to get drunk or my night was ruined or just would not be the same unless I had a VERY good buzz going on.  I even took it a step further and I would get behind the wheel of my car and drive around town completely wasted with my sipper cup, and this thing was a 32oz full of Southern Comfort and 7up.  I liked the sweet taste of it, made it go down better, easier and I "fucked" so much quicker.   It was not only me in the car either, I would have 5-6 people in my car with me at all times.  I would do anything to fit in.  I remember one weekend I and four of my sisters girlfriends were cruising downtown, which was only a six block radius, with all of drinks right in the open for all to be able to see, and we were all drunk.  I remember being pulled over by the police and having stopped my car right in front of my Mom's business downtown, but even better, I did not even pull all the way up to the curb!  We were all taken to the police station and I was booked for DUI.  My mom had to come down and get me and she was incredibly pissed off at me, and believe me I got my punishment!  The Monday after that weekend when we all went back to school, it spread like a wild fire and as kids go, I was "cool" for a moment, say my fifteen minutes of fame.  I am not proud of that, that is for sure and when it came time to go to court for the DUI, I had to relive it all over again with my Mom and she was upset all over again.  I can't believe the mess I had gotten myself into and without any regard to how it would affect others, especially without any regard to the girls in my car with who all got in trouble by their parents as well and embarrassed my Mom completely.  

Powerlessness over alcohol and drugs have been a VERY difficult journey for me.  It has been about trying to understand how being powerless over my thoughts and the actions that lead up to me using alcohol or drugs, mainly drugs.  By doing the work, hard work, and committing to staying sober and trying to be a better son, brother and friend and respecting my addiction and knowing how strong my addiction is and what it does to me when I give in to my weakness, and understand that the only choice I have now is to stay clean and sober and to be there for others as they have so unselfishly been there for me, time and time again. 

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

February 1, 2005

I am in a great mood.  Although today was not so good.  The job I'm at is really starting to take a toll on me.  I feel that I'm a punching bag for Daddy Don.  He's bitchy with me all fucking day.  Gave me such a huge headache.  I don't like to be his punching bag.  It makes for a very bad work environment.  Anyway, I get home after and my roommates have been changed.  I actually wanted that.  The one I did have was horrible.  It was always about him.  He's gone now and went to my meeting and it was pretty good.  I keep thinking about this guy I met on Saturday at MJ's.  I went over to his house last night and it was so nice to be with someone all night!  To have him in my arms all night.  The sex was incredible and he is such a great kisser!  We'll see what happens, but I do kind of like him.  

February 3, 2005

So I'm being completely obsessive with new guy and not in a way with him and not at him, but in my thoughts and that is not a good thing.   Taking too much space in my head over a man could lead to bad things.  I'm still going to my meetings but starting to loose focus.  What do theses feelings mean?  I know I like this guy.  Just let things happen, yeah right!

February 8, 2005

Good morning.  I went to my Monday meeting last night and first meeting in three days.  I can see the behavior coming back and that is not good.  The insanity.  I'm not crazy but before I get there I need to get back on track with my meetings, which I have.  My roommates are getting on my nerves.  They never pick-up or do their dishes.  LAZY!  People relapsing all the time in the house and being able to stay.  Oh well.  The job area of my life is going OK.  I think I may have an interview sometime this week making some good money.  I'll just turn it over to God and see what happens.  Working for Daddy Don has been a blessing but the amount of respect that he gives me is minimum and that is not encouraging at all.  I get so pissed off at him for treating me like that.  At least I have a job though.  Still I don't need to be treated that way or disrespected.  

February 10, 2005

Wow, yesterday was such a roller coaster ride!  First, the day was great, I went on my interview and only sat down with the lady for a maximum of ten minutes and she loved me and hired me on the spot.  Sobriety honey is good but I still have my doubts.  The job is going to be great.  So close to where I live.  I can't express how happy I am.  Now I am also getting paid $14/hr.  Yeah!  It will be a good thing.  I'm so excited!  I am going to start tomorrow, on Friday.  Now about how my day took a turn downward.  I came home after the interview and the one of the guys brought home someone who was kicked out last weekend and he was still high on meth and just fucking left him with me to go hang with his boyfriend.  How selfish!  What an asshole!  So then he calls me on the phone and begins to tell me I need to be more compassionate.  This is my sobriety and I have to guard with my life.  So FUCK him!  Anyway he was asked to leave also.  The was overall good, and got my HIV test and was negative again.  YEAH!

 

February 11, 2005

Good morning!  Today I have 60 days sober!  I'm so happy and so proud of myself.  I have worked hard and have been through so much you know?  If I sit and think about my life, it has not been so bad.  I have my health and friends.  I'm so grateful for this.  I'm so grateful for God.  I would not have made it this for without His help.  Today is my last day with Daddy Don.  He has been such a blessing!  He even said that if it doesn't work out with my new job that I can always come back and work with him.  He has been so helpful in my life and my sobriety.  I'm going to miss Don.  I'm looking forward to my new job though.  This is going to be so great for me!  The money is wonderful.  So convenient to everything.  Home, meetings etc.  Now that I want to move out!  But I want to make a commitment and stay for four more months.  Just stay put and stay sober, and be patient!

February 12, 2005

Good morning.  OK, 61 days and I'm sad.  Well, I'm starting to isolate again and obsess about what everyone else is doing and loosing focus of what I need to be doing.  Why am I such a drama queen!?  Why am I so hard on myself?!  I should be proud that I have the time that I have, but I am still not accepting it.  Overall, I'm OK but now and then I started to get depressed and it is all about men mainly.  God has given me a chance to make something of myself and I do not want to mess this up I'm healthy and am very lucky.  I have a wonderful life.  

February 13, 2005

Good morning.  Well, I made it through another day sober.  Thank God!  Last night I went to my meeting at Hollywood Squares, was a good meeting.  Afterwards, we went to MJ's and I had a blast!  The only thing is, I had seen the group of guys I had relapsed with before and I got just a little nervous!  But I was OK.  I made sure know one left me alone.  Maybe I should stop going out for awhile because that was too close for comfort.  It was kind of nice to see them in a way because I look a lot better than I did the last time that little Latin boy saw me on my very last time I had relapsed and the look on his face was classic and I will never forget that!  That alone should keep me sober!  I also watched "The Passion of the Christ" and it just put me back into perspective about how my life is not that bad and that I need to be more grateful about the way things are.  At least I'm healthy and not DEAD!

February 14, 2005

Good morning.  I'm excited today.  I start my new job at Legalzoom.com.  I have a good feeling about this job.  I am going to do my best and learn from my past mistakes and other jobs.  Just know and keep in my head that I am there only to do a job and that is it.   I want to go far with this company.  It is a .com company and I have a feeling it will be a good thing.  My own company is somewhat the same type of business and I am very excited to get that going.  Other than that, the weekend was overall OK.  Yesterday all I did was just rest and I feel great this morning.  

February 15, 2005

Good morning.  Well my new job went well.  I think that I am going to be a good fit.  Wow, the people are nice and I feel pretty good about the whole job.  We'll see though.  I don't want to get my hopes up then come crumbling down.  I'm starting to get lazy and not going to meetings again.  I have to snap out of it real quick or things, bad things, are going to happen.  I want to make myself a promise and to go to a meeting everyday this week  no matter how I am feeling period!

February 16, 2005

This is NOT a good morning.  The owner of the house has gone behind all our backs and let someone who has relapsed three times move back in the house and has upset me to no end!  I can not believe it.  The first thing I want to do is run away and move out!  I just saw a segment on the news about a kid who has cancer and it made me realize that all my complaints and problems are nothing compared to what this kid is going through.  So God, thank you for my life.

March 5, 2005

Things have been really hectic with me.  I've managed to stay sober almost 90 days on the 11th.  I was working out this morning and on the treadmill I was all tense.  I then started to think about all the things I'm grateful for, which is a few.  It started to make me feel a lot better.  Well a little bit.  The sober living is somewhat better.  I am trying to stay here for at least 6 months so I only have 3 more to go.  I'm so angry all the time.  Feeling very isolated, which of course is of my own doing.  I'm trying to reach out but it only lasts for only a short while, is it because I'm so mean or a mean person.  No one wants to hang out with me.  Or if they do, it turns into us having sex!  I wish I knew how to set boundaries.  I'm starting my fourth step now and I've been working on my resentment list and I feel that it is not that thorough, so we'll see. 

April 15, 2005

Good morning God.  Been a long time since I wrote.  A lot has happened.  I have 4 months of sobriety now and I feel GREAT!  I am learning to let things go more and not obsessing as much.  People still get on my nerves quite a bit, but I am trying to reach out more.  I am almost done with fourth step.  Good feeling and I am trying not to get involved with any men and work through my feelings and it's not easy!

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

January 10, 2005

Coming up on thirty days tomorrow again.  Other than being sick, I feel OK.  Over the weekend I had to move rooms, I was so mad at first but it has turned out to be a blessing.  My new roommate is a nice kid, I'm lucky.  It's Monday and I'm getting ready for work.  Talk about being humble.  The job is OK but I'm barely paying my rent.  All I can say is I am learning something.  Trying to be patient and know that God will take care of me.  I feel like I am starting to isolate again.  That's a scary place to be.  

January 11, 2005

It was a good day today.  I spent the day working at Daddy Don's, slow day.  I celebrate thirty days again today.  Also, God, I went to visit my friend Kris who lives next door.  He looks very sick.  Well he is very skinny and makes me sad and scared for him.  But it also makes me realized how lucky I am and how much I appreciate life and what you have to offer me God!  I love you for that.  What is it that you have in store for me, I don't know yet, but, I promise you, I am going to try and stay sober for us.  I want to have that chance to fall in love with your lord!, and have respect for myself and the confidence you want me to have.  To be able to fulfill and live out my dreams.  I know that without you that it won't happen.  I can't do this alone.  I'm starting to find this out.  

January 13, 2005

I'm having those lonely feelings again.  I understand that it is supposed to be this way, but I would love to have the physical companionship.  I want to be touched and held and kissed.  There is nothing wrong with that?  Help me Lord get through this.  Help me build that relationship with you.  knowing that you are by my side makes everything so much better.  

January 15, 2005

Saturday and I'm getting ready to go to work.  It was a shitty day yesterday.  I had an interview at Target and the pay is only minimum wage and then last night I over heard one of the roommates call me a bitch.  Fuck him!  Am I a bitch because I like to live in a clean house.  I'm really starting to resent living here.  I don't have anything in common with these people.  Of course the first thing I want to do is just run.  I wish I could be more patient and to be tolerant of people who just get on my nerves!

January 16, 2005

It's Tuesday night, just got back from mens stag meeting.  OK ... How HOT is this, my friends Mark B and Kevin just had sex in the garage!  We are all good friends and this was spur of the moment and it was GREAT! (laughter) Just what I needed (laughter) and there was no weirdness at all!  Anyway, the overall day was GREAT!  I worked all day, got a raise of $40 more a week.  I like working with Daddy Don for now.  He is someone I can talk to during the day to get my shit out and off my chest.  The sober living (loosely said) is so pathetic.  This is more like a flop house than anything else.  There is no rules, people use drugs and get away with it.  My sponsor said just don't follow them for me and don't worry about what else is going on.  Which is not of my business.  I know that I am doing what I need to do.  

January 22, 2005

Well, good afternoon.  It's been a good day so far.  Just doing laundry and some cleaning.  I did some work last night with my sponsor.  Things are starting to click with me.  Thoughts of using are going through my head but come and go quickly.  I'm really happy with where I'm going.  I love life!  It may not be what I want it to be right now, but I am trying to let God take control of it for now.  What I would like to know is why I am so caught up in so much drama.  It's going to get me in trouble.  Why do I thrive on it?!  I wish I could just worry about myself and go from there.  

January 24, 2005

Monday and what a day!  A couple of people had gone out and I feel sort of strange inside.  It was weird coming home to one of them still very high.  It affected me but not in a way that I would use.  But made me very angry that he came here the way he was.  Very inappropriate behavior.  Drama!  Anyway I went to my meeting and my number was called again.  I'm glad I was supposed to share.  I'm not afraid to open up at that meeting.  Sobriety for me this time means so much more this time.  I love it!

January 30, 2005

It's Sunday morning and my thoughts are going wild.  Not that I want to use but I had a dream last night and i my dream I was being teased and made fun of.  I remember back in grade school when all the other students would make fun of me.  It would make so sad and I was alone all the time.  I feel like that here.  Last night went out and these guys poked fun at me and it made me angry.  Why do people have to be so cruel?!  I have to admit I have to watch myself.  I just feel like isolating myself today and not doing a thing with anyone at all.  I still have not talked to my sister since she hung up on me a few weeks ago.  What should I do?

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... Absolute INSANITY!

April 13, 2002

Good morning, well not really.  My sister and I are still not talking to each other.  I'm really upset at how she doesn't want to understand what I'm going through.  How I'm, and I quote "out doing my own thing".  What is that supposed to mean?  I know I am doing the right thing and is all that matters!  Yes it is all about me right now and my sobriety, and I can not let anything stand in my way of that!  So I may seem a little selfish right now, oh well!  I was always doing things wrong the last time, now time to do the right thing and move on with my live because who knows what tomorrow will bring me.  Sometimes I fee as though Andrea doesn't care what I'm going through because she isn't going down the road to her recovery.  I wonder if I or we can ever or will ever have a close relationship as brother and sister.  We won't until she takes her initial step towards understanding how I feel.  She will always be angry with me.  Good Bye!

April 15, 2002

Well, Monday night and what a crappy day.  I feel as if I will never get well.  What does "well" mean anyway?  If being well means being like an asshole or judge mental towards other people than I'm at a deli ma.  See tonight I went to a straight AA meeting and I wanted to share and as soon as I was called on I identified myself as a "drug addict", well, I was immediately interrupted and was told I can not do that here.  Well, I got pissed off and embarrassed at the same time so I ended up not sharing at all.  I felt as though I didn't belong again.  I started to pout and build a resentment toward the man who did that to me, but realized that was old behavior and just told myself there are other meetings, but at the end of tonight's meeting so many people came up to me and made me feel so welcome.  I snapped out of my anger quickly.  Good Night.

P.s. I'm going back to that meeting!

April 20, 2002

Good morning, wow, what a couple of days I have had!  I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of days.  I feel OK, though I know I need to go, I had a huge pimple that abscessed and made my whole right side of my face swell up.  I also was in a whole lot of pain.  I ended having to go to the hospital and have it lanced so it could drain.  It turned out to be a spider bite.  It is so ugly.  I am so afraid to out in public for fear of people starring at it because it is so ugly.  I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I'm afraid of what people will say or more importantly, not attracting anymore.  Stupid, but that is how I feel.  Tonight I do have to give a friend a birthday cake for his one year AA sobriety tonight at the Hollywood Squares meeting.  I made Van a commitment, so I will be there no matter what.  

May 1, 2002

Good morning.  So much has happened since the last entry!  Found out who some people really are.  My "sponsor" is no longer my sponsor, I have stopped going up to L.A. for meetings due to the fact I found myself falling back into the same rut I was in when I walked through the doors of AA before.  Old Behavior, so I am now starting with meetings down here in Long Beach.  Meeting new friends and so on.  I feel alright though.  My dad and I are on the right path back to a relationship, which feels great.  I know we have a long road ahead of us but it's a start.  A couple of days ago I was honored to meet someone, very attracting.  My emotions aren't in overload like they usually are when I meet someone like him.  I feel pretty confident about myself.  He is interested in me.  Whatever happens will.  I know I need to keep my head on straight, and not make him my higher power. 

May 4, 2002

So, as expected and turns out to be a weekly routine, my sister and I got in a fight again and as usual over something stupid.  She like to pick fights just to create drama.  This time I had a date!  She asked if we had sex and I told her "none of her business".  Well, she didn't like that one bit.  Told that she hates me!  Well, fuck her!  I'm so through with all this fighting.  I can not wait to get a job.  I'll pay her back and get out.  Not have to deal with her anymore if that is how she feels.  She loves to put words in my mouth or tell me things she said and then try to make me feel guilty about it, but she never sees have the shit.  She is trying to say that she wanted to go to a meeting with me last Saturday when that was such a lie.  I'm always asking her.  She is so full of shit!  I'm only nite to her when I need money, another fucked up lie!  I refuse to talk to her or tell her anything anymore!

May 6, 2002


Good news, I finally got a job.  It's supposed to be for a long time, but we'll see.  Looking forward to it and to finally be working again!  I'm not shutting any doors though.  I'm waiting to hear from Well's Fargo Bank.  I'm still not talking to Andrea.  I'm really getting sick and tired of all this!  Now that I have the job I'm going to start to look into the sober living house because she is gonna push me over the edge - maybe.  It will be for the better that I move to a sober living anyway.  That way I will be around people who know what I am going through.  Although I do appreciate what she has done for me and what she is doing but this is not working out for me!  The person I met also thinks I am getting too serious because I'm getting too romantic.  Well, just because I like to kiss and snuggle and be a little affectionate does not mean I'm falling in love.  What is the matter with people.  Get a grip!  I can't have a relationship now.  I think he is the one who is falling quicker than he wants to and that's why he keeps bringing up the fact that he does not want to get involved with anyone but he says he will not shut the door to the po0ssibility to having one.  WEIRD PEOPLE!

January 11, 2003

Wow, what has happened since the last time I wrote!?  So much, my sobriety took a turn downward for awhile.  I don't know if I finally hit my bottom this time or not but pretty close.  I fell out of the meetings last August of 2002 and now I am finally getting back into them.  I don't know how to feel about that yet, but I have to admit I do feel great!  Over the summer things went OK.  I had a chance to work for a good friend of mine, Jeff Gahn, AKA Karen Dior, in Hollywood.  He and his boyfriend flew me to New York for my first time.  It was Gay Pride too that weekend.  I helped them prepare to be in the parade.  It was sort of fun but Jeff's boyfriend was such a freak!  Always screaming and yelling at me and Jeff.  I came back from NY early actually.  I finally got my dream job at Wells Fargo Bank.  Ended up being a supervisor too! (happy)  I'm quite happy OK!  Now it also is the night before my beau moves down from Seattle and I have mixed emotions right now.  He has been flaky with me the last few weeks and now I don't know how to feel about all this.  He call the night before he comes down?  

We'll see what happens ...

December 7 2003

There is this boy I really like and is making me so crazy, I don't know if he even reciprocates the feelings.  I just don't know what to do.  I am only 34 days clean again and going completely nuts.  I'm feeling lonely again.  I do try to reach out to people but they start to let me down.  I want to love!  How do I love myself?  I do pray for help, but it sure is slow process.  

January 19, 2004

So, things are pretty good today.  Tor and I are hitting it off pretty good and going at a slow pace, but I do love him.  I just wish that he would tell me more about his feelings toward me.  He does who me though and that is so wonderful but of course I always want more!  He's a great guy though.  He does give enough.  Personally I need to grow a lot more.  Be me and more secure with myself.  People do love and care about me and I have to learn to trust in that and not second guess it all the time.  I have started to open up more and more to my sobriety family which is nice.  The response has been incredible.  I'm finally meeting with my sponsor today.  Kind of nervous, but excited at the same time.  As I was all stressed out a few weeks ago.  I feel pretty calm now.  Coming up on ninety days again, YEAH!

January 20, 2004

It is so nice to wake up in the morning and not feel like crap!  It's nice to feel again.  Tor came in my room last night.  I realized how I enjoyed his company when he slept over with me.  He is such a beautiful man.  I told him I loved him yesterday.  It sort of scares me, because I don't want him to run away from me now!  I find myself thinking of the future with him.  This time around I am not trying to look that far ahead of me.  I love him and he is a great guy, but all we have is today with each other and I plan on making it a great day because I am sober!

 

October 9, 2004

Wow, what a busy week and good one at that.  Once again I'm coming up through my thirty days, but you know right now it is not bothering me at all.  I've been keeping busy.  It feels really good.  I've been getting closer to my friend Kenny and he's a wonderful friend.  It's been to be able to be there for someone else.  I haven't been to a meeting all week so need to get to one.  

December 20, 2004

Today is Monday and I was let go from my job today.  Just moved back into sober living.  The house is very comfortable, and has a great feeling.  I'm coming back off a three month relapse.  This one has literally kicked my ass.  It sent me to a place I hope I never have to visit again.  Those days are so vivid in my head.  So just got back from my meeting at Melrose and Mansfield.  It was a good meeting.  This weekend I crossed paths with an old friend and don't know where the feeling are at but would like to have something with him, mostly a friendship. 

January 1, 2005 

Well, it's 2005.  A New Year and another fresh beginning.  A chance to forget about last year and the pain and anguish that I put myself through.  what a year 2004 was.  Time to move on.  So I am having feelings of sadness, rejection and loneliness.  These feelings are very difficult to deal with.  Why can't I just learn to trust in God and just know that my time will come to have that someone to love and trust but until then I have to be trustful and turn it over to you Lord.  You are my relationship that I need right now!  Please help me get through this!

January 3, 2005

It's Monday morning and I made it through the New Year and another birthday.  I'm sober and somewhat feel pretty good.  I was able to work through my problems and feelings.  My friend Mark B. was very helpful in getting through them.  I did pray a lot also.  It's still hard for to just turn it over to God but I'm trying.  An old friend contacted me over the weekend, which surprised me.  Carlos, hmmm, we'll see how this turns out.  But I sort of like Brad.  So cute and nice.  Oh, but I have to stay focused and just learn to love myself.  

January 8, 2005

My last relapse was, I hope and believe was the worst one.  The insanity of it was something that I ho0pe I will never forget, and to do that I want to sort through my feelings and the thoughts of those last four days.  Those days of feeling completely alone and isolated.  Feeling of despair and heartache.  My life at that point was meaningless.  I was not thinking of ending it, but I had lost all hope and the motivation to go on.  To much pain but not knowing where it was coming from.  Not knowing how to make it go away.  What I did was try to kill myself unknowingly.  All I wanted to do was to continue to get tweaked out.  The days rolled into each other and soon four days of being completely out of my mind.  Unconcious to any feeling or any thought.  It's so painful.  complete selfishness.  When I finally came down enough from being high to realize what I had put my body through, physically and emotionally, I looked in the mirror and saw no reflection, a ghost!  A dead man looking back at me.  It was so frightening.  I couldn't look any more, and I went to lie down because I was feeling naucious.  It was then I saw he real destruction I had caused to myself.  There was blood everywhere.  I couldn't figure out why there could be blood.  I mean so much, on everything.  The wall, toilet, bathroom floor, tub and all over my comforter.  I was so disgusted in myself, but was so tired and worn out that all I could do is flip over the comforter so I could get some rest.  I had this guy I would mess around with before, he called me the last night I was up this time.  Let's talk about being demoralized.  He came over one last time and I caught him looking at me in amazement and a state of shock with the way I looked.  I will never forget the look on his face.  That was my bottom.  I have never been so embarrassed in my life, but did not realized it until I had come down from being so high a day later.  Then finally reached my bottom.  The realization of what I still did with him.  I still slept with him.  How humiliating.  The reason why is because knowing that he did not want to be there with me was too much.  I went through the motions anyway.  he stayed for awhile after but then soon left.  Those days I hope I never have to repeat if I stay close to God and make sure that I never run away again.  

January 9, 2005

Sunday and I have been sick all weekend.  In the house as well.  Not been to a meeting all weekend either and by can I feel the difference.  I feel so uncomfortable here.  I do not like some my roommates.  Where is the hate coming from?  One of them called me a big mouth and I totally resent that.  Well, he will up shooting himself sooner or later.  

My First Love ... (continued)

As the months went by and Bob landed a job here at a bank that is no longer around and closed some years back during the Savings and Loan mess and how all or most of them failed and closed down, California Federal was one of them.  I know how proud he felt and I was so excited for him, but I also never doubted that he would find something quickly.  He is a very smart when it came to the banking arena and I loved the way he looked in his suits, so handsome. Bob was so excited to land this job.  He was a Supervisor and really knew what he was doing.  Once he started working and all of us got settled and got used to being with each other in that two bedroom, four of us all together, Bob's mom came out to visit us for a few days and he was so excited to have her here.  Of course I was a nervous wreck, but seemed to make it through.  Somehow, she intimidated me.  I never told Bob that, but good grief.  She was the mother in law and we all know how that is.  She was truly an amazing woman and what made her happy was to see her son happy.  I did my best to make him happy with what I knew at the time.  We had such an amazing time when she was out here.  We went to Disneyland and that was my first time going and we stayed the entire day and just enjoyed the park.  Bob had mentioned to her that I was having problems with my car, which was a 1970 Volkswagen Beetle, yellow in color, but I still loved it.  His mom, on behalf of Bob, decided to co-sign on a car for me.  Wow, I was so excited and so grateful to her and to Bob for this wonderful gift. 

As the months went by, things began to get a little too cramped for all of living in that two bedroom with four people.  We started having some minor issues with our roommates.  All of us moved from our current apartment on the 7th story down to the 1st level into a corporate unit that was completely furnished, since none of us had any furniture at the time.  That is when things really got ugly with our roommates and we thought it would be best to find our own apartment.  So Bob and I started the search for our own place.  We found a cute little one bedroom not too far away from the current place and thought it would be fine for the two of us.  We gave our roommates notice and moved out.  

Once Bob and I got settled into our new apartment, Bob and I had the opportunity to be able to grow closer and closer to each other.  Sure we had our ups and our downs, but as I look back at it now, I always loved him.  We started to have more downs than ups towards the end of our relationship.  Bob did everything in his power to make it work, but I was such an asshole to him, that nothing he would do or say made it any better.  I was finally taking after my dad.  The mental and physical abuse I put Bob through was unacceptable, but that is all I knew how to be, was a complete jerk to someone who loved me with all his heart.  I didn't know how to react to being loved or even, for that matter, give love back in return.  Sure I always told him that I love him and I really did, but in a fucked up way.  A way that finally drove him crazy and depressed and he lost a lot of weight through all of this.  We broke up and got back together so many times, all I would have to do is beg and I would beg and promise that I would change and I would be back in his good graces.  Things quickly went back to the way they were.  His heart was broken so many times, too many.  


I look back at that relationship and I am so grateful that I had the pleasure and opportunity of spending the time I did with him.  We really did have many good times, and I would like to think that those outweigh the rough and turbulent times we went through with each other.  We connected in so many ways, sexually, spiritually and became very good friends while we were together.  We crossed paths not too long ago and I am so blessed to be able to have him in my life today.  He has not changed a bit, and still looks like he is in his twenties.  My sister called me up one night back in the late nineties about this new sitcom that was on TV and that I should watch and then let her know what I thought of the show.  That show was "Will and Grace" and the reason why she wanted me to watch it was because the character Will looked and acted just like Bob in every way.  I do have to admit that every time I watched the show, I was reminded of him. My sister loves him and thinks the world of him.  I remember one night all three of us went out to our usual place, the Motherload, and I had turned away for just a second and looked back and they were making out!  All I could do is just laugh and shake my head because I knew she had nothing on me.