My First Love ...... (Continued)

After Bob moved here from Chicago, things were amazing.  I was in my very first adult relationship, and with another man.  I was still hiding my identity from everyone, my family mostly.  Everyone at work knew though, half the branch was gay, so of course.  It was nice to finally have him here and right before the Holidays.  We were able to spend our first Thanksgiving and Christmas together.  New Years was very special as it was also my nineteenth birthday and what a wonderful way to spend it than to spend it with someone as special as he was to me.  

Thanksgiving was incredible.  I did most of the cooking, the turkey and all the trimmings.  I was pretty amazed on how everything turned out actually because it was my first at cooking a turkey, it came out very good.   I had a lot of fun.  We truly enjoyed the day together.  Our roommates joined us for dinner as well and all of had an amazing day.  We all had a great relationship and had a lot of fun together and never had any issues.  It was like a family, which meant a lot since I did not have my own around and was estranged from my father by this time.   I leaned a lot on Bob for emotional support around this time and he was always there to make things better for me and was able to put a smile back on my face when I was feeling a little down.  


When Christmas came, we went tree shopping and that was a special time for us.  At the time, I had a Volkswagen beetle and so we had to put the tree on top of that thing.  We had the tree flocked and looked amazing.  Once we got it back to the place we started to decorate and our roommates joined in as well.  Sounds pretty cheesy but we had a great time and wanted to include them as well.  At the end, the tree looked amazing.  Christmas time was so beautiful to be able to wake up next to the man of my dreams, reach over and kiss him on the cheek and wish him merry Christmas was truly a blessing.  We woke up and opened our gifts and enjoyed the day.  We again made Christmas dinner and called our families and wished them a very merry Christmas and that we missed them terribly.  

New Years was just as wonderful as I had hoped it would be.  We all got dressed up and went out to a club and brought the New Year in by dancing the night away until way after midnight and they all sang happy birthday to me at midnight and I never felt so special to have all my friends and the one I love there on my birthday and on top of that, it being New Years as well.  We carried on until very late.  I will never forget that year, one because it was our first New Years together but also because we lived across the street from an apartment complex being built at the time.  When we were turning onto our street from coming home from being out, we were greeted by a bunch of police that had barricaded off the access to the street where we lived and could not enter.  The reason was that someone had been found murdered, actually cut to pieces in the construction across the street from our building.  Oh my GOD! We were all completely freaked out and scared, but the police said it would be alright to head home into our building because they had swept the area and it was safe.  Well we did not take any precautions so we all slept with butcher knives by our beds.  Needles to say that was a New Years that none of us will ever forget.  

My First Love ......

Sometimes now and then I feel as though I am reaping what I sew.  The mistakes I have made and the people I have hurt in the process.  All that has been going through my head that last couple of years but more now than ever before.  I guess because I am single at the moment and feel at a very low point in my life.  

Back in the fall of 1989 after I had moved out of my dad's place and into my own sharing with roommates, new friends I had met while going out in West Hollywood, I had met someone one night.  A week or so prior to moving in with my friends I was on my way out to West Hollywood to meet them at one of the bars we always hung out at, the Motherload.  It was a small little bar, a "stand and model" type of bar as we used to call them back in the day.  There was no dancing at this one, just a lot of us standing around listening to great music and having a great time.  

It was a Saturday night and I was a little early coming through Laurel Canyon, a shortcut I would take and it would dump me right on the edge of West Hollywood.  Since I was early and did not have to meet my friends for about another hour or so, I was driving down Santa Monica Blvd and saw this other bar with people hanging outside who looked like there were like me, so I decided to stop in and see what it was all about.  It was the Gold Coast, an Icon to the city of West Hollywood, been there forever.  Anyway, I went in, ordered me a beer and found a nice place to stand and just check things out.  It was another one of those "stand and model" bars.  

I was there for a good half hour before I noticed this guy up by the pool table and we both caught each others eyes.  He smiled and I was very nervous and quite shy so I froze there for a moment before I smiled back.  He was so incredibly good looking, I was very insecure about it too.  He finally waved me up to meet me and I went up there and stood by him, shook his hand and we introduced ourselves.  I stayed there with him for awhile until I had to leave to go to meet my friends.  We had great conversation and got to know each other a bit more.  He was out here on vacation from Chicago visiting his best friends for awhile.  I was lucky enough to walk in that bar and to meet him when I did.  I could tell that I was really into him.  We talked and talked for a very long time.  We ended up kissing each other and I have never felt like this before in my life.  Sure I had been kissed, but not like this, and not by someone like him.  

I wanted this night to last forever!  I had to leave to go meet up with my friends, so I asked if he and his friends would like to join me and head on over to meet with my friends, he said he would love to.  I told him I would love to spend more time with you, so he ended up coming with me in my car.  We made it to the place where all my friends were and I introduced him and all his friends and the night went on.  It was the best night of my life so far.  Of course I was in love the very first time we met our eyes on each other.  The way he smiled at me.  He was a beautiful man and still is.  We all had such a great time that night.  My friends told me that they really liked him and that he seemed to be a real great guy.  Well, as it turned out, he was and we ended up spending the rest of his vacation together.  

I was truly heart broken to see him go back to Chicago, but we promised each other that we would stay in touch and that we would see where things would go from there.  I absolutely fell head over heals for him the moment I saw him and knew that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.  We continued our long distance relationship for a few months.  He and I decided to make a plan and he would move out to Los Angeles to be with me.  I was so excited and so flattered to know that he was doing this for me.  His family was so happy for him and invited me out to Chicago and paid for the plain ticket and everything.  They had a going away party for him and all his family and friends were there to say goodbye.  His family was so nice and accepting to me, I was completely caught off guard, mainly because I was still in the closet to my family and to see his treat him the way they did and me as well was just truly God sent.  He finally ended up moving here and in with me and my roommates.  This was the beginning of our relationship and our story. 

The New Chapter ... (continued)

Moving out of my dad's home and into my own place, well with my new friends as roommates, was so much fun.  I remember moving in around the end of summer time.  Summer time in Los Angeles lasted quite a long time, all through the end of September and even well into October sometimes.  So I had plenty of time to "play" and be free as the nights were still longer and had the summer feeling to it.  I remember smelling the Jasmine in the air all the time and when I smell it now, so many of those memories come back to me.  They were fond memories.  Going out all the time, laughing and just having a real good time.  I was lucky to be able to get into the clubs at the age of eighteen.  I don't know how I did it, but I just smiled and flirted my way in.  

I was still working at the bank in the valley at the time, so the commute was pretty rough.  My step mother would come into the bank often to make their deposits and we would visit and catch up, but I never saw my dad.  He was pretty upset with me since I moved out and left home.  We did not leave on good terms and he never wanted me to be in Hollywood.  He still had no idea that I was gay at this point either.  They never found out, or my whole family never found out for a good time after I moved out of my dad's place.  It was nice to see my step mother and my little baby sister when they came in to the bank.  

I really enjoyed working at the bank at the time.  It was my very first professional job where I was able to where a suit and tie to work and feel like was important.  I did very well and excelled at the bank.  I was hired in as a teller and moved on up to be second in line to run the sales department in new accounts.  From the very first day I started there, I made sure I let the branch manager know that if there was ever a spot over in new accounts, I would love to be considered for the position and only three months later I was promoted.  Everyone there was really nice and we had a lot of fun.  My assistant branch manager was gay, the annuities guy was gay and there was another teller that was gay, so I guess you can say that the "gays" had the branch covered.  I was friends with everyone and during the holiday seasons, we decorated for all of them and even dressed up for Halloween.  Good times.  

I am still friends with the assistant branch manager after twenty some years.  He just passed away in February of this year.  I am pretty sad about it.  We re-connected a few years ago when I used to live in Long Beach, California.  Another friend and I would get coffee and walk along the beach on Sunday mornings, and one day we were walking up from the beach to get more coffee and we passed him walking his dog in front of his house right by the beach.  He heard my voice and recognized me as we walked passed him and called out my name and I was so happy to see him!  We connected again and started to hang out and go out on the weekends and I was just so lucky to be able to spend those last months with him.  God puts people in our paths or "back" in our paths for a reason, and I am truly grateful that God put Don back into mine.  I miss you Don ......

Politics of a Thriving, Leading and Powerful Nation ... A Beacon of Light around the World

The United State of America, a leader in every sense of the word!

A Beacon of Light to those who want freedom.

Lately my country has been under some less than admirable leadership.  In all branches of Government, especially in our Executive and in our legislative branches.  Every four to two years, these  branches go through a change in leadership.  The Executive can be longer at every eight years if the person holding that office is cunning enough or lucky enough or even manipulative enough to have the American people vote them in another four years into office.  

The last eleven and half years have been less than admirable, to say the least!  It is no secret to my family and friends that I am no fan of our current leadership and had hoped that we would of had a woman President for the first time in our Nations history, in that of a woman named Hillary Clinton. I believe, in my own opinion, and that of many others, that she could have led us out of the chaos our Nation found itself in after the very long and tumultuous leadership of the last President, George W. Bush.  

I love this opinion of George W. Bush posted online ......

"...In order to hold such a reality-free opinion, one would have to believe that the office is not besmirched by . . . using unethical election tactics (with plausible deniability) to get into office,
. . . economic policies that tend to widen the gap between the rich and the poor,
. . . proclaiming the ex-KGB thug who was then leading Russia to be some kind of kindred spirit,
. . . the unilateral abrogation of international treaties (ABM),
. . . scorning the opinions of allies,
. . . lying (or at least being willingly deceived) in order to lead the country into an illegal war of aggression,
. . . grossly mishandling the execution of the war, turning it into a quagmire,
. . . authorizing the commission of war crimes (torture),
. . . believing that history will look kindly on such inept leadership, and
. . . having the temerity to publish a book defending those things..."

I could go on and on with my own opinion about this ruthless, in genuine, ignorant leader, so-called, leader, but I would waste my time.  We as citizens of America are very lucky that we have term limits so that idiot's like this can not serve more that two terms in office!  

From one aggressive leader to one of a very weak nature, we have done no better with the current one in office.  As he approaches another election to keep himself in office, I find that we are bombarded with speeches he had made while campaigning back in 2007 - 2008.  His "hope" speeches were very hypnotic and convincing, I do have to admit, but I was never convinced that he would lead our nation out of the turmoil the previous President put us in.  I never believed that he was strong, smart, or convincing enough for me.  I also did not believe he would be able handle the politics of Washington.  I was right!  

Granted, our country has slowly started to rebound, but under what circumstances?  The non-stop bickering of the Congress and his administration, the unwavering compromises he has made or not made for that matter as well as trying to work with the Republican Congress and to get them to compromise as well.  I believe he has compromised way too much of our Nations values and that of the Democratic party.  I believe that he has just "settled" and in the meantime, has pissed off the base of the party.  He is not the President the people thought he would be.  

I would like to see our Nation become the greatness it once was under the leadership of Bill Clinton.  Our Nation rose to such greatness when he was our leader.  The country thrived in every corner, and every aspect.  We became that "Beacon" of light again that the world looked up to for it's leadership.  Our economy was the strongest it has ever been.  We brought peace through out the world.  I would like to see those days come back and I believe we could have that in Hillary Clinton.

Memories from the past .......

Getting ready to go in Dad's boat

   

I loved going camping and my shovel set

Getting to go to the park and have a picnic

Halloween, funny, but I still remember that costume

I loved my Easter outfits

It was snowing that year for Halloween

Hillarious!

Taken 3 days before my Grandfather passed on to God's hands

In the park with our Dad eating A & W .... YUMMY!

I was always smiling :-)

Just posing for the camera

Ahhhh, Big brother on Easter Sunday

Like "really" 

Ahhhhh, my teddy

Xmas night and my favorite bear I had for a very long time

Having to put a wet wash cloth on my head to keep down the "alphalpha"

I am VERY excited!

Every Holiday was important to us as Christians ...... Easter Sunday Cake

OMG my favorite shirt

Christmas

being a "social" rather than a "stoner"

Not a good day ....

How does someone feel so depressed and so enclosed in his own self that he feels trapped by his own emotions.  Emotions of self pity, loneliness, helpless, just completely trapped.  Feeling that the devil is inside and has completely taken control of everything within you.  Life is flashing so violently that there is this uneasy feeling in your stomach that you just want to cut out because there seems to be no other way.  The emptiness inside starts to creep to the surface and then the feeling of self loathing, feeling of being unworthy, unworthy of love, tenderness and compassion.  You try to figure where these feelings are all coming from and just can't figure it out.  They just fester and get much worse, as you start to isolate yourself, from your friends and family and then, even yourself. 

I am so sad.  I am not able to be a part of society and life seems to be very hard and I am playing a victim, but for some reason, playing a victim is all I know how to do at the moment and it is so fucking hard to even get out of my house to be present.  Be present for myself, for friends and definitely for my family.  To be present for life in general.  I feel I have hit a brick wall that is twenty feet thick and the continues to get higher and the light at the end of the tunnel is seems to be disappearing and that brick wall is getting higher and higher and life seems to be becoming more out of reach than ever before.  I used to be so strong and nothing would be too hard for me to overcome, and challenges never to big for me handle and get through.  This is different.  I feel I that I have lost all energy to continue the fight. 

I am so alone.  I am getting older, and feel I am never going to have that relationship that everyone dreams of.  Someone I can love, be loved back.  Grow old together, to be happy.  Have someone hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright.  I know I need to find that love within myself, but I can't find it.  My heart is so dark.  I wasted my life by partying it away on drugs and alcohol.  Wasting it away by holding onto resentments of hate and bitterness.  I feel that it is too late for me now, and that love is but a flicker of a shooting star in a crystal clear night that quickly vanishes away in a blink of an eye.  A shooting star that I seem to be chasing and reaching for but just can't catch or reach it.  So far out of reach that I am no longer interested in catching it anymore. 

The new chapter ......

I arrived in Los Angeles, California three days after graduation from High School to finally be with my dad.  To be able get to know him and find out if all the things my mom's family and, in the end, my mom was saying all along about my dad, was that he was a piece of shit and did not care an ounce for his children.  My mom was pretty hurt to see me leaving to live with him after everything he did to us as children.  I wanted to find out for myself, give him the benefit of the doubt per say.  To be completely honest, I was very excited to be with him, and also to be in Los Angeles.  A whole new start for me.  Away from all the negativity of living with my step dad and the ongoing challenges that school brought.  I was finally "free".

Well, free was not quite the word.  Although I really appreciated the time my dad and I started to share with each other in the beginning.  I had really hoped that this was going to be a time where we could finally become father and son after all these years.  The only thing about that is he thought he could just jump right in and be the "father" and not just be my friend first.  There is difference between being a father and being a dad.  A father is someone who is always there for you.  Someone who is a role model and takes care of you.  A father who picks you up when you fall down and skin your knee when you are a little boy who would always fall off his bike.  A father is someone who is there to encourage you and to tell you that you are the most beautiful son a father could ask for and say to you that dream big, the world can be yours. A dad is just someone in name only, a man who you share a blood relationship with and that is what I had with my dad, not a father.  

He just thought that he could step back in and play that role as a father and start giving me advice and setting rules on me and at the time I did not understand where he was coming from in trying to get through to me because I did not respect him enough him enough to be giving me fatherly advice.  I understand by living in his house I needed to abide by his rules, but sometimes he was overbearing and demeaning to me and would talk to me as if I was five years old again.  Of course I started to rebel and that is where all the problems began.  I wish I could say that all the problems that came about were all of his doing, but it would be unfair to him and I would be lying.  I was only eighteen when I moved here and as all eighteen year old boys who have  just moved out of his mommy's house, well  I thought I was an adult now and was able to make my own decisions and definitely if you grew up with my step dad, you sure as hell deserved it!

He was still with his third wife at the time and they had a  baby girl.  Which just until recently, I found out that she is not at all my half sister and is not his daughter.  Sounds like a soap opera.  I found that they had separated and she moved back to Spokane, Washington  for awhile and went back to her old boyfriend that is when it happened and she became pregnant.  She and my dad ended up getting back together and my dad excepted the baby girl and raised her as his own.  I really loved her as my own sister, and used to babysit her and take of her.  She was the cutest thing.  I really enjoyed every minute with my little sister and until this day, I still consider her as such. 

Time went on that summer and I got a job around the corner from where we were living at the time in the San Fernando Valley, a suburb of Los Angeles.  My job was at a grocery store bagging groceries.  I actually loved my job.  There was never a dull moment and they loved me there.  I worked very hard and it showed.  It was not long after I got the job I was promoted to the meat department.  Not as glamorous but still I was very proud.  I worked there all summer long until I applied at the bank next door to the grocery store and got the job.  This was my very first professional job and I was only eighteen still.  I was so excited to be able to wear a suit and tie to work.  I fell in love with my job and excelled there as well and was promoted three months after as a supervisor in sales.

I had saved up enough money to be able to buy a car.  It was not a fancy car, but it was a car and I was so happy to be finally mobile in such a huge city.  I also joined a gym and started to work out.  The gym is where I met a friend, a friend who started taking me out to Hollywood, to West Hollywood to be exact.  My dad did not approve of this, because he thought that people in Hollywood were all weirdo's and were all gay and so he had put a curfew on me and I had to be home by midnight.  I was not very happy about this and of course never followed it.  I continued to go out to West Hollywood.  I would be going over there by myself and found out about all the gay bars.  By this time I had finally come to terms with my sexuality but had not came out to anyone yet at this point.  It was very stressful going over the hill to West Hollywood and not letting my dad find out.

I continued to do this for some time and in the process had met an old boy.  He was in his mid twenties and we started to see each other.  I thought this was my very first boyfriend at the time.  Now that I look back at all of it, it was just experience, that is all.  He was very good looking and it was my first time being with another man.  It was during the summer and we did have a lot fun with each other.  He disappeared all of a sudden and I never saw him again.  I was completely devastated by this and for the first time felt my heart breaking.  I moved on and continued to do my thing and go over the hill to West Hollywood, the Jazmine in the air still sticks with me today. 

I ended up meeting some people that I would catch up with on a continuous basis and have fun with and just hang out.  We all became really good friends.  I was able to get into the bars and was never carded.  So I was able to experience quite a bit at only eighteen years of age.  Being in a city like Los Angeles and coming from a very small town, I fell for a lot of stories, believe me.  My dad and I got into some very heated arguments about me going out and that he did not like me going over there.  It just made it harder to be with him and all the negativity he kept saying about the gay thing, not knowing yet that I was.  I finally moved out and became roommate's with my new friends.  This would be the start of a fast and crazy life in Los Angeles.  I was finally able to be free to be who I wanted to be.