How does someone feel so depressed and so enclosed in his own self that he feels trapped by his own emotions. Emotions of self pity, loneliness, helpless, just completely trapped. Feeling that the devil is inside and has completely taken control of everything within you. Life is flashing so violently that there is this uneasy feeling in your stomach that you just want to cut out because there seems to be no other way. The emptiness inside starts to creep to the surface and then the feeling of self loathing, feeling of being unworthy, unworthy of love, tenderness and compassion. You try to figure where these feelings are all coming from and just can't figure it out. They just fester and get much worse, as you start to isolate yourself, from your friends and family and then, even yourself.
I am so sad. I am not able to be a part of society and life seems to be very hard and I am playing a victim, but for some reason, playing a victim is all I know how to do at the moment and it is so fucking hard to even get out of my house to be present. Be present for myself, for friends and definitely for my family. To be present for life in general. I feel I have hit a brick wall that is twenty feet thick and the continues to get higher and the light at the end of the tunnel is seems to be disappearing and that brick wall is getting higher and higher and life seems to be becoming more out of reach than ever before. I used to be so strong and nothing would be too hard for me to overcome, and challenges never to big for me handle and get through. This is different. I feel I that I have lost all energy to continue the fight.
I am so alone. I am getting older, and feel I am never going to have that relationship that everyone dreams of. Someone I can love, be loved back. Grow old together, to be happy. Have someone hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I know I need to find that love within myself, but I can't find it. My heart is so dark. I wasted my life by partying it away on drugs and alcohol. Wasting it away by holding onto resentments of hate and bitterness. I feel that it is too late for me now, and that love is but a flicker of a shooting star in a crystal clear night that quickly vanishes away in a blink of an eye. A shooting star that I seem to be chasing and reaching for but just can't catch or reach it. So far out of reach that I am no longer interested in catching it anymore.
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