Wow, coming up on another year of sobriety. This, though, is my fourth one year and I am not sure how I am feeling write now. I will be celebrating my anniversary or birthday on November 8th and again, since I have had a few of these, how am I, how am really? Today is a dark and cloudy day outside which is a nice break from all the intense heat we have been having in Los Angeles lately, so I am enjoying the nice overcast, Seattle-like weather for a change. Yes, I am missing Seattle, but will talk about that a bit later in my post, but for now, what is really going on in my head as I approach that "special" day "again".
We AA'ers usually or should be looking forward to a day like this as it is quite an accomplishment no matter how many times one has had a certain amount of time under their belt and lost and have come back and has achieved the amazing miracle of that one year of sobriety once again. I am not quite feeling that excitement as of yet. I am sure, or should hope that the excitement and the idea that I have come up on quite something very special and that is that I am sober, consecutively for one year! What the hell is wrong with me right now though?! Could it be that I have not really or at all accomplished anything this past year and that I continue to stay in my depression and not feeling worthy, feeling greatful for the fact that I have stayed sober through all the bull shit that has come and gone last year. The fact that I had almost committed suicide this past Easter weekend and made it through that with the help of prayer, family and friends and my deep belief in my higher power, God.
This posting is rather short, but I wanted to check in and write some feelings down on paper and get them out of my head so that they do not fester and create space in my head that is none to have anyway.
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