It is a very HOT Sunday afternoon and I was watching the remake of Fright Night thinking of how my last week had gone, I know of all the movies be reflecting on, anyway, I was thinking of how I had the flew, realizing I had not prayed in quite awhile, and starting to feel alone, not in a way of being around people but being alone spiritually and it is all because I have not had my daily conversation with God. I can tell the difference in how I feel and how I am with others. Being able to ask God to open my heart and mind to Him and allow myself to be free of hate and bitterness, and most of all anger. Anger not only at myself, which ultimately leads to my depression, but anger and being inpatient with others around me, whether the others are my friends, family or complete strangers that I come across throughout the day. Being able to have that conversation with Him really helps me get in touch with my spiritual self and have a day that is full of happiness and being free from all the negative distractions that may arise out of the blue that could trigger my anger within myself.
Every Sunday we have an AA meeting and a general house meeting where I am living. The meeting this morning was the first time since living here that I felt connected to my housemates here and was able to be open and express what is going on with me and be honest with my feelings and share and start to create a bond with the other housemates and allow them to be able to get a little closer to me and for me to start bringing down those walls of distrust and allow people to get to know me on a level I have never been able to do. The only person that has ever had that opportunity died in 1995 of AIDS. He, Orlando, was my best friend, the brother I never had. We had a friendship that was full of laughter, love and and companionship that allowed us to become close and share things that I would not think of sharing with even my own sister or any other person. I have not been able to put closer to that, maybe it is because I want to be able to hold onto all those wonderful memories we shared together and all the laughter as well. I know that if I could accept that Orlando is no longer here, I would be able to allow myself to let others into my life in a way that I have not been able to since he died. I feel that if I do put closer to his death and allow myself to heal from it, that I am going to betray our friendship and that is why I have not done so yet, plus, I also feel if I was to move on from that part of my life, I would be shutting the door on the memories of that part my life and I am afraid to do so. I afraid that I will not be able to replace those times with new ones, new experiences and friendships. Friendships that could be long lasting and worth building upon but I just can not let go and let that happen. I really love and miss him extremely and he is thought of regularly and another reason for not shutting that door is that if I do, I will slowly forget about him and that I just don't want to do.
I miss you Orlando .....
