Relying on a higher power comes quite difficult for me and it stems from a person who always needs to be in control of his life. My reliance is in doubt when I question who I am, what I am and where I am going. Taking control of my life seems to be getting in the way of me completely giving all that control over to God and to Jesus Christ. Relying on Him and the Son of God and knowing that things are always going to be the way they are made to be. They happen and are happening and will always happen for a reason. Just believe. Believe and have faith and to just get out of the my own way and let Him in is all I need to do.
I just finished watching "The Passion of the Christ" It was no coincidence that I happened to be channel surfing and saw this on, a miracle, and as I watch this profound movie I always feel so renewed with faith and hope afterwards. It may sound weird to some, but it is hard to describe the feeling. I have seen this movie over and over again and every time I feel the same way. After watching this. I start to feel a little ashamed for how I let my thoughts get to be so out of control and how negative my thoughts get. These thoughts tend to go completely south and the Devil soon takes over and I start thinking of ending my life because it would be so much "easier" than to continue to work and continue to struggle through it and make it to the light and definitely much easier. It would be so much easier to be wrapped up in my misery and deprive myself of the unwavering love of the Almighty. It would be so much easier to hate myself than to love myself because when I am feeling down, it becomes much easier for the evil to enter my soul and my heart than to let the good God and Jesus has so unselfishly given into my life and most of all into my heart and soul.
Working to have that everlasting love fill my soul and lift my life up again and to be able to see that smile that I see when I look at all my childhood photos of myself. How happy I was when I was a little boy. The love I felt from my mother and my sisters and the rest of my family was overwhelming. God and Jesus was truly there. Life has been so full of ups and downs for me. My struggle with drugs and alcohol. Trying to find out what my purpose in life is and what I am supposed to be doing. What am I here for? Just an on going struggle between loving myself and hating myself. A constant struggle with having God in my life on a continuous basis, not only for the good times, but having him in my time of struggles.
When I speak of the "evil" I am mostly referring to the abuse I put my body through. I don't know how many times I have tried to get sober through out my life. I am coming up on six months this time around and I feel so much despair in my life and just feel lost. I feel the weight of the devil on my chest most of the days. Some days and more often than none, I feel that life to me is over and I might as well give up. I know that is the devil talking to and filling my heart and soul with darkness. Those thoughts have consumed my life on a daily basis lately. I wrote a piece about how desperate I was feeling a few weeks ago and how I wanted to check out of my life end it and leave this world and everything and everyone behind. I now know what happened but then I had know idea what was going through my head at the time but I reached out to some people through the social media site,l Facebook. I had an out of body experience that morning and felt the air quickly escaping me and I just could not catch my breath. When I woke up that morning I proceeded to move from my bed directly to my sofa. I laid crying on my there for what seemed like an eternity and my body felt so heavy and my face was covered in tears. All of a sudden something pulled me up and I went to my computer and started to write a posting on Facebook about how I was feeling, but in a third person kind of way and asked "How do you stop someone from thinking about suicide?" Once I completed typing, I made it back to my sofa and lied back down and cried for an hour more or so. I finally got up and went to my bed and completely collapsed and fell asleep.
How could I be so selfish in my despair to the point that I wanted to take my own life. How dare I even think of such a selfish act. After watching "The Passion of the Christ" again and seeing the amount of suffering Jesus went through for us it was an eye opener for me and knowing that what I am going through shall pass and in the scope of things is completely trivial compared with what He went through for us. Understanding the meaning of the word "Passion" means so much to me now. When I watch that scene of Jesus carrying His own cross to the top of the hill through the city streets being beat and ridiculed by all the bystanders, it broke my heart. I can actually feel the pain that He went through. Feeling all the cuts on his body. When He finally reached the top of the hill and they laid Him down on His own cross and then nailed Him to it and lifted Him up and when the cross hit the bottom of the whole that would hold up His cross until He passed on, I could feel my gut just wrench with sadness, but also a feeling of peace knowing that He did all of that for us. He is in my heart and in my soul. I am asking for forgiveness on a daily basis and pray that I am sheltered and will always be in the comfort of His arms.
Working to have that everlasting love fill my soul and lift my life up again and to be able to see that smile that I see when I look at all my childhood photos of myself. How happy I was when I was a little boy. The love I felt from my mother and my sisters and the rest of my family was overwhelming. God and Jesus was truly there. Life has been so full of ups and downs for me. My struggle with drugs and alcohol. Trying to find out what my purpose in life is and what I am supposed to be doing. What am I here for? Just an on going struggle between loving myself and hating myself. A constant struggle with having God in my life on a continuous basis, not only for the good times, but having him in my time of struggles.
When I speak of the "evil" I am mostly referring to the abuse I put my body through. I don't know how many times I have tried to get sober through out my life. I am coming up on six months this time around and I feel so much despair in my life and just feel lost. I feel the weight of the devil on my chest most of the days. Some days and more often than none, I feel that life to me is over and I might as well give up. I know that is the devil talking to and filling my heart and soul with darkness. Those thoughts have consumed my life on a daily basis lately. I wrote a piece about how desperate I was feeling a few weeks ago and how I wanted to check out of my life end it and leave this world and everything and everyone behind. I now know what happened but then I had know idea what was going through my head at the time but I reached out to some people through the social media site,l Facebook. I had an out of body experience that morning and felt the air quickly escaping me and I just could not catch my breath. When I woke up that morning I proceeded to move from my bed directly to my sofa. I laid crying on my there for what seemed like an eternity and my body felt so heavy and my face was covered in tears. All of a sudden something pulled me up and I went to my computer and started to write a posting on Facebook about how I was feeling, but in a third person kind of way and asked "How do you stop someone from thinking about suicide?" Once I completed typing, I made it back to my sofa and lied back down and cried for an hour more or so. I finally got up and went to my bed and completely collapsed and fell asleep.
I awoke a few hours later and felt groggy a bit. I still felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt more exhausted than ever, but I decided to get up. I walked to my computer again, not really knowing why, but I was going to check my emails and just go out to watch TV and lay on the sofa. My computer screen still had my facebook page up and it showed all the responses I had been getting from my post earlier that morning. I started to cry again in amazement. Something flushed over me, and I was amazed at how many people had posted comments. Comments of concern for me and my well being. People had been offering their support to me and were frightened for me. So many people were responding out of honest concern and said that they would be praying for me. Many people expressed their love for me and how they would miss me if anything were to happen to me. I was truly loved by so many people that I had know idea what this was posting would do and what it would all mean when I posted that comment earlier that morning. I now know that it was God intervening in my life and the Holy Spirit taking control of my mind and body and showing me how much I am adored by Him and how much He loves me through the out pouring of support through my friends and family. The outpouring of love and support that came through my computer in the form words and thoughts and all the prayers from people were so overwhelming but in an amazing way. Prayers were coming from people I barely even knew who were send their love and concern for my well being and reaching out to me and that meant so much.
