August 28, 2012
It's 3am on Tuesday morning and I have been awake now since 1am. This pattern has been creeping up on me since last week. It started at 4am and has gone up since then. I really don't know why or what this is all about with my sleepless nights or what it is that is making me wake up at these hours so early in the morning.
I am staying with my previous roommate, Larry, which has been a blessing, really. It is odd or funny how things have a way of working themselves out or coming full circle. Larry was my last roommate and I had asked him to move out. That whole mess was due to me being completely over zealous about him using my things, personal care items without asking and it drove me absolutely crazy. It was a time in which I was still in a downward spin. Last year I found out I was HIV Positive and I had been trying to hold onto my Dodge Charger and make the payments on that car every month at $496.00 a month. Pay my car insurance and I finally lost my car and was the final nail in the coffin of my depression that I was beginning to experience during that time and as a matter of fact continue to experience today. It sent me spiraling downward from there and not to mention my awful relapse on Crystal Meth back in November of 2011. My poor roommate had to witness that as well. He had the tools to make it through that humiliating ordeal with me by sharing about it in meetings in a general way so that he can tell people what he was going through and share his experience so that someone listening could learn from it and in turn if someone had already been through it, to be able to give him advice on how to deal and move through it.
We both moved on from that or should I that he has. When he let me move into his apartment in the middle of Hollywood and close to all my meetings, i was completely grateful and excited to be able to be back on the West side of town again and in the middle of everything and close enough to be able to walk to anything with having to get on the freeway every time I needed to go home. We did have a little disagreement on how much rent he thought he was getting back from me when he moved out and I explained to him that we had already discussed that and that the amount is all he is getting back for reasons he was well aware of. Overall, we are moving forward and I consider Larry to a very good friend even after all we had been through.
It is now 4:30am and I have been writing for about a couple minutes and have taken my dog out for her morning walk and fed her and put her back to bed where I should be at the moment. All the while I have now put on a clay mask on my face and I am sitting back at the kitchen table writing some more as this clay mask on my face hardens to cement before washing it off to shave and then take my shower and all this before the break of dawn. (laughter)
Why the lack of sleep all of a sudden these last couple of days I have no clue as to why this is happening. I mean I am going to through a lot of "stuff" right now, but that has never kept or have woken me up like this before or if it has I have been able to go right back to sleep. I do take some sleep aid to "knock" me out, and enough to put a horse to sleep too, but like clock work, here I am, up and about, wide awake. All this insomnia could be related to the dog bite case I am just dealing with at the time. Not sure of what the outcome will be or is going to be etc. I go to therapy once a week and yesterday was pretty intense for me, butt at the same time I think I made progress. I am starting to connect the attack to the abuse of my step father, my mom's third husband. The viciousness of the attack is in comparison to how Bob, his name, was toward us, my sister's and I, but mostly me. It seems as though his anger or hostilities were always vented at me and I was the one being punched, kicked, etc.
Later on in the day ... it is now 6:30pm in the evening and I am at the laundry mat and just exhausted! Finally at a little after 5am, I had decided to to head over to the gym since it was now open. I then went to my AA meeting that starts at 7;30am and really started my day off right. It was an amazing day actually. After the meeting, I hung out with a friend of mine and chatted. It really ended up to be a beautiful day.
It's 3am on Tuesday morning and I have been awake now since 1am. This pattern has been creeping up on me since last week. It started at 4am and has gone up since then. I really don't know why or what this is all about with my sleepless nights or what it is that is making me wake up at these hours so early in the morning.
I am staying with my previous roommate, Larry, which has been a blessing, really. It is odd or funny how things have a way of working themselves out or coming full circle. Larry was my last roommate and I had asked him to move out. That whole mess was due to me being completely over zealous about him using my things, personal care items without asking and it drove me absolutely crazy. It was a time in which I was still in a downward spin. Last year I found out I was HIV Positive and I had been trying to hold onto my Dodge Charger and make the payments on that car every month at $496.00 a month. Pay my car insurance and I finally lost my car and was the final nail in the coffin of my depression that I was beginning to experience during that time and as a matter of fact continue to experience today. It sent me spiraling downward from there and not to mention my awful relapse on Crystal Meth back in November of 2011. My poor roommate had to witness that as well. He had the tools to make it through that humiliating ordeal with me by sharing about it in meetings in a general way so that he can tell people what he was going through and share his experience so that someone listening could learn from it and in turn if someone had already been through it, to be able to give him advice on how to deal and move through it.
We both moved on from that or should I that he has. When he let me move into his apartment in the middle of Hollywood and close to all my meetings, i was completely grateful and excited to be able to be back on the West side of town again and in the middle of everything and close enough to be able to walk to anything with having to get on the freeway every time I needed to go home. We did have a little disagreement on how much rent he thought he was getting back from me when he moved out and I explained to him that we had already discussed that and that the amount is all he is getting back for reasons he was well aware of. Overall, we are moving forward and I consider Larry to a very good friend even after all we had been through.
It is now 4:30am and I have been writing for about a couple minutes and have taken my dog out for her morning walk and fed her and put her back to bed where I should be at the moment. All the while I have now put on a clay mask on my face and I am sitting back at the kitchen table writing some more as this clay mask on my face hardens to cement before washing it off to shave and then take my shower and all this before the break of dawn. (laughter)
Why the lack of sleep all of a sudden these last couple of days I have no clue as to why this is happening. I mean I am going to through a lot of "stuff" right now, but that has never kept or have woken me up like this before or if it has I have been able to go right back to sleep. I do take some sleep aid to "knock" me out, and enough to put a horse to sleep too, but like clock work, here I am, up and about, wide awake. All this insomnia could be related to the dog bite case I am just dealing with at the time. Not sure of what the outcome will be or is going to be etc. I go to therapy once a week and yesterday was pretty intense for me, butt at the same time I think I made progress. I am starting to connect the attack to the abuse of my step father, my mom's third husband. The viciousness of the attack is in comparison to how Bob, his name, was toward us, my sister's and I, but mostly me. It seems as though his anger or hostilities were always vented at me and I was the one being punched, kicked, etc.
Later on in the day ... it is now 6:30pm in the evening and I am at the laundry mat and just exhausted! Finally at a little after 5am, I had decided to to head over to the gym since it was now open. I then went to my AA meeting that starts at 7;30am and really started my day off right. It was an amazing day actually. After the meeting, I hung out with a friend of mine and chatted. It really ended up to be a beautiful day.
