Just Stuff ...

June 30, 2012

My dog has been very sick all week and I was able to take her to the doctor today and my little baby is very dehidrated and has a parasite in her stomach.  I am very worried about her and she is my life and it is true of people say, animals become such a huge part of you who we are and our lives that it is such a horrible feeling when something is happening to them.  The Doctor gave her some fluids to help make her hungry and an anitbiotic.  We will wait and see but I am so worried that something serious is wrong with her. 

I have been home all week watching her and since I am not working at the moment, I have been running all over town looking for medical care for her since I have no money to pay for it and finally yesterday I finally got the help I needed, and it is the place I signed up last year, PAWS/LA is a great place for people with disabilities like myself with HIV.  My poor baby has not left my side since she became sick.  Poor thing. 

Since she has become sick, I also have not been able to go to my AA meetings and am feeling a little squirrely.  I am just afraid to leave her alone.  Am I too worried?  I am praying that she comes out of this safe and sound. 

Just Stuff ...

May 26, 2012

It's Saturday around 6:00 in the evening and I have just been lounging, or better, lazy all day today.  I have been on my new job now for two weeks and really seem to be liking it.  The owner is really pushing me to take over the every day operations of the company and I feel blessed.  I know I can do the job and am looking forward to the challenges that it may bring.  I feel I am back in the game once more.  It has been almost two and half years since I last worked or had a real job.  It has been so rough lately trying to find something and the economy is not helping the matter and was making it much more difficult.  It's a smaller company with big profits and it is only going to get bigger which makes it much more exciting to be at the ground level of this and to see it expand to bigger opportunities.  

June 24, 2012

Almost a whole month later since I wrote.  As always, so much has happend within a month, it is just incredible, but I seemed to make it through and stay sober through it all.  My last post above on the 26th of May I shared that I was so excited about my new job and how that was going so well, as fate may have it, I am no longer there.  As much as I wanted to make that job work and that I was the perfect fit for the position, it did not work out as I planned or had hoped it would.  The company was just in too much dissarray and the company was and is in danger of closing its' doors.  So I was only a temporary employee there and they had to let me go because they were not making that much money to keep me on.  Back to the drawing board. 


June 27, 2012

Today began with a little anxiety.  I woke up and noticed my dog, Maddy, was sick.  She was very lethargic and had no energy and also had blood in her stool.  I completely fell apart and did not know what to do and panicked.  I made some rice for her with some chicken broth and watched her and rubbed her tummy and kept her close to me.  She is a little Shi-tzu and to me, she means everything.  My little baby. 

I also had a follow up doctor's apointment today to go over my blood work taken a few weeks ago and I am completely estatic with the news I received today.  I am HIV Positive and last Novemember I needed to go on HIV medication and was completely distraught about it, not because of having to go on the medication but because my HIV virul load sky rocketed and my CD4 or white blood cells had fallen from 1126 down to 720!  Of course when I heard the news from the doctor, I fell apart and started to cry.  He assured me that everything will be alright and that he recommended at that time that I start my HIV medication.  I agreed, but my head was trying to convince me that I was going to die.  I immediately started my medication and was lucky that it was only one pill at night and am completely grateful for the fact that I had become positive in a time when the science of it all has progressed to the point where I can live a complete and fruitful life and that this is like having the common cold and not to be frightend about this and to live my life to the fullest. 

My apointment today confirmed that I can live that long and fruitful life because my doctor informed me that I am now UNDECTABLE!  There is no sign of the HIV virus in my system!  I could not be any more grateful.  I was doubtful in the begining and her we are completely turned around and healthy as a horse.  I  thank God for listening to all my prayers.

 

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

April 2, 2010

It's Friday in the late afternoon and I'm at work.  I am waiting for the end of my shift and going to down to San Diego for the night to meet Kevin.  I am not sure what is going to come out of this, and not getting my hopes up because to be honest it is still too soon to date anyone.  We have chatted all week on the phone so he seems pretty nice and looking forward to meeting up with him and having dinner.  Yes, I am going to be staying the night, so what!  I need some attention and maybe a little ego boost too.  Again, there are no expectations from either one of us, just to enjoy each others company, for pete's sake, he lives in San Diego anyways.  Too far for anything else.  

April 15, 2010

So it has been quite a month and I am finally over Anthony now at this point.  It sure was quite a difficult process to go through and all, but I did it.  I am putting myself back together and back into AA.  I mean deep into the program.  What I have going on with me now is that I am continuing to look for my next boyfriend like "he" will be the fix to my problems.  I am so codependent.  I am getting a little more attention lately and not sure where all that is coming from, but whatever I can get at this point. (haha)  I am working out a lot more than usual to try and lose my excess fat I gained when with Anthony, boyfriend fat as I call it.  I got a new job today and as a result of all my prayers and positive thinking and of course the constant footwork!  I am very happy now and I can play catch up with everything, mainly my car!  I am also on the books to do a "movie" at the end of the month so that should do the trick. 

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

March 26, 2010

Sitting here at work at the 76 gas station on my first hours of my shift and I have already begun obsessing about my life.  This is a dangerous place to be for me right now.  I finally really ended it with Anthony.  It finally came to a breaking point with him.  I am willing and want to make my life better and I'm taking the steps I need to have it happen.  What is  my part in all this?  Well, I am trying to figure it all out.  I know I should have been more aware of his needs and wants and not been so angry all the time, etc.  I just started to get resentful about the fact that he was not working and never took the initiative to find work and would always depend on me to pay for everything.  I did not mind at first, but that was when I was managing the law firm before I was laid off and now I don't make all that money anymore and now work at this gas station to try and pay my bills.  I felt like he was taking advantage of me and I resented that whole heartily.  

I know I have some work to do and I am taking the first steps toward getting well.  I'm not going to pretend that all this doesn't hurt or my heart is not in so much pain that I would rather be home on the couch with my dog feeling sorry for myself.  I am doing the contrary action which is working, a bit at a time, I guess, baby steps.  I am reaching out to people and trying to be of service.  I have been slowly starting to hang out with other people again.  There is one person, Danny, of course I am so into him ... we are both going through the same thing currently regarding our ex's and I am sure it's obvious.  I get so intimidated when I am around him that I can not speak or fumble my words, good grief like a high school girl!  He is such a sweetheart of course and has an amazing heart and I think that is what is so attracting about him, is he is so humble.  My head is telling me that he is also feeling the same way, is it because I am feeling so vulnerable right now and anyone who looks at me I will fall in love with!?  Who knows!?  Of course I want to "be" with him, but I know exactly where that would lead to, and then it would become very weird because we are friends.  See how my thoughts immediately go to sex and relationships!?  Insane behavior that always gets me in trouble.  

With Danny, I truly want to do things differently and I know my flirting will always be a problem until i start my therapy.  This is when I'm going get better.  Not have to seek the validation of someone else to make me feel good about myself.  Right now I do feel like I need something to fill the void, again because my heart is so broken right now, I am looking for anything to fill or mend it, whatever comes along, scary.  I am finally in my life going to get the help I need to get past all the pain I have built up until now in my lifetime.  I have full faith that this is going to be the "light" at the end of the tunnel for me.  I am just exhausted and done with being sad and depressed all the time.   


March 27, 2010

I had an interview today at LA Fitness and they want me to meet the GM.  Today has been busy.  Well, I mean I "kept" myself busy.  Went to the gym and had an amazing workout.  After my workout, I had an incredible day.  At work now and this is driving me crazy being here when I really want to be at the CMLA Convention tonight.  I want to get more involved with the program.  Working Friday, Saturday and Sundays are really making it hard and I miss my regular meetings.  This is day two of finally calling it off with Anthony and I'm getting through it better than I thought.  I think I fell out of love with long ago and this was a blessing in disguise.  As the days go by, I know I am going to heal and get over and through this.  I am not thinking about him much anymore, which is a good thing.  I made a few calls today to some people to try and reach out.  No one called me back, but that's OK, at least I am doing my part and trying to participate in my recovery.  I just can't wait for my therapy to begin.  Then my life really can start to move forward in a positive manner.  




March 31, 2010


Well, I am back at work on a Wednesday and it has been a pretty OK week so far except for Monday.  Monday is when I completely let Anthony know that we are not going be friends either at all!  This entire time he has been lying to me regarding his new boyfriend.  He has been stringing me along like some fucking dog!  I know that going into Jordan's, Anthony's new boyfriend,  facebook page was not going to help matters much but I wanted to see what this kid looked like.  So I then felt as though I had to leave him a message in his in box letting him know what Anthony has been doing.  I was so mad and so hurt so with that I am completely done with him at this point, no more chances with this ass hole!  I can't even be his friend at this point either and don't think I ever will.  So here I am once again trying to heal from the latest episode with Anthony.  This far the meetings of AA and meeting with my sponsor has been helping.  I am meeting new people both in AA and outside the rooms.  This person on facebook requested to be friends with me, so I accepted and as a result he has been pursuing me and his name is Kevin.  He lives in San Diego and we have spoken a few times to get to know each other.  I am not sure if I am ready to jump into anything right now, but willing to meet and get to know each other at least.  We have made plans to go ahead and meet with each other and I am going down there in a week or so.  


I haven't heard back from Mid-Wilshire therapy.  I hope I do soon so I can start digging into my deeper self.  I am totally motivated to get my therapy started and to stop feeling the way I do, up and down with my mood swings.  I also called our old consulting attorney while I was manager at my previous law office regarding employment and he is willing to hire me so I am very excited!  I will know on Friday whether I am starting soon or not.  I hate working at the gas station now.  I have to find a job that is going to be Monday through Friday because I really need to be with my AA friends.  

Just Stuff ...

May 5, 2012

What an amazing morning this has been!  I am continuing to feel so much better and I honestly feel I am finally coming out of my "rut" that I have been in for so long!  What a journey this has been and a such a struggle, but I somehow have had the faith I needed, whether it was conscious thoughts or in my sub-conscious, either way, I made it, or better yet, I am making it to that light at the end of the tunnel I have mentioned before so many times and I felt that it was dimming quickly and becoming out of my reach.  Life with all it's challenges and ups and downs are "only challenges" that one can overcome with a little hard work and faith in God and your friends and things will turn around.  That is a far stretch from where I was a few months ago.  Faith has carried me through thick and thin and "stuff" always seems to work itself out, BUT in the eleventh hour for me, but none the less, still works out.  


As we say in AA, sponsor's play a key role in our lives if we let them.  If we trust and learn to open up our feelings and be utterly honest with who we are and how we are feeling they can become the "light" that some of us are looking for.  I have been around the block with the amount of sponsor's I have had.  Some time ago, I was being called the "Elizabeth Taylor" of sponsor's, meaning like her many husbands, I have gone through just the same in sponsors and due to my part because of the fact I was not willing to take a look at myself.  Take a look at who I was and try to find the root or the cause of all my resentments and anger toward, really toward everyone because I was not willing to do the work that was only "suggested" of me.  I was, and still am to an extent,  someone who wants to be "well" now damn it!  But how long did it take for me to become the person I was, a life time, so trying get "well" overnight is completely impossible and that is why I "fired" so many sponsors in the past because I was unwilling to accept the direction they were giving me for fear I was being "told" what to do.  I now understand the reasoning behind all of it.  It is because a couple of factors, one is because these people truly cared and loved me for who I am and saw the person inside that was screaming to be able to shine through all that hate and anger, and also the resentments I was harboring deep down in my soul, two is because they also gave so freely of their time and effort to be able to make sure that I would be able get through all of that "stuff" I had pushed and kept hidden all those years.  


The sponsor I have now, I have had for over two years now and I could not have been any luckier than I am to have found him.  He, like all my other sponsors, is so compassionate and loving, and so caring of who I am, and I think God had presented this person right in the time in which I would be ready and willing to accept any and all direction or suggestions he would and has given me thus far.  He is so generous of his time with me and takes that time out of his own life to make sure I am put in the right direction and on the right path to finally enjoying life and accepting the person God has made me to be and to let all of the "issues" go, because in the sceam of things, they are not all that important and as I mentioned above, they are all part of life's challenges and they are meant to be overcome or God would not have put them there to begin with and knowing that I would be able to some day be the man I am intended to be.  


I am truly grateful ..... I am starting to sound like a broken record, but these things are so important for me to remember and keep close to me and to NEVER forget where I have been and where I am going in life on this incredible journey of ours. 

My Best friend .... My Mother .... My ROCK!

I saw a segment on the TV today about women who are diagnosed with breast cancer and it immediately took me back a few years ago when I was in my early twenties and finding out that my Mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer and how that made me feel at the time, and actually how amazingly fresh it still is in my thoughts.  They are sad thoughts, not so much now, but I still remember that phone call.  I was living here in Los Angeles by then with my dad when I received the call.   I was really nervous and scared for my Mother.  Of course my head went straight to her not making it through this, not that I didn't want her to, but I had the "what if" thought and I started to cry on the phone with my Mother, which isn't hard to do.  I take after her in that we are definitely emotional, passionate people.  I cry on Kodak commercials, that should give you an idea.  Anyway, after I was done crying, my Mother comforted me and told me that she is going to be fine and will make it through this because she is a strong woman and that she was not ready to leave us yet.  She was comforting me, I should have been the one comforting her and telling her that everything will be OK.  I sort of fell apart because, as much as I hate to admit it, but I am a Momma's boy and always have been.  There are times when just the sound of her voice makes everything better for me.  

She was only forty years old when the first bout with the cancer came and she went in and had the surgery and had the lump removed and also some of her limp nodes as well under her armpit area.  She needed to go on radiation and keemo therapy to make sure the cancer had not spread anywhere else in her body.  We were lucky, she was in God's hands and was taken care of and He heard our prayers.  We thought that this would be the end of us seeing our Mother having to go through this ever again, well, we were wrong and it came back about five years later but in the other breast and it came back with a vengeance this time.  The doctor's did the same procedure and she had to go through all the treatment again and because she was older, her body was a little more weak to be able to handle the treatment of both the keemo and radiation at the same time but she made it through once again.  Again, we were taken care of and in God's hands one more time.  By the time she was almost fifty, again the cancer came back but this time to the original breast this all began with and we were very concerned at this point because the doctor told her that she probably would not make through the treatment after surgery this time.  He told her that she had no choice but to have a radical mastectomy.  My Mother was so stubborn and I understand now, and that it would be the same if I were to have my testicles removed that I would feel less of a man and that is how my Mother was faced with the fact that she would wake up out of surgery and have her woman hood taken away from her.  We children and the rest of the family told that she had no choice and that her decision affected all of us and just not her, so she finally gave in and the doctor offered to do a new procedure that had been introduced and that she would not have fake breasts but breasts that were made of her own tissue.  Fat from around her mid section was extracted to rebuild her breasts.  She ended up with a tummy tuck and bigger breasts.  She woke up out of surgery and was so happy.  

My Mother has so much strength in her and for what she has gone through in her life, from raising three kids to having husbands that abused her both mentally and physically and for her to still be an amazing woman, Mother and my best friend is truly what I can say is the definition of a Mother!  As I right this I am a little emotional, full of happiness and so proud to be able to have been born to her and how God has granted my two sisters and I the most incredible Mother anyone could ask for.  I love her with all my heart and soul and now that I am in Los Angeles and she is up in Washington State, I don't see her very much and she is now sixty years old and I know there will come the time for me to say good bye to her, but until then I want to cherish EVERY moment and breath that I have and she breaths because she "Is my ROCK!", and I am her number ONE fan!

I love you Mom ... 

Mom and my sisters and I at Xmas time

      

Just being gorgeous

I used to love to watch her get ready, so pretty

     

My beautiful Mother at her wedding to current soul mate

Just Stuff ...

May 4, 2012

I woke up this morning a little anxious.  So much on my mind ... has kept me in my thoughts way too much.  After sharing all my previous journals from a few years back and having read all of those for the first time since I wrote them at that moment, I felt a little unsettled a bit.  I think it is because I have been thinking if my life has even changed at all since then.  Well, I know for thing, I AM not so crazy about being with someone, that was so insane to read journal after journal about the same thing, over and over again.  Good grief how much "crazy" was in my head at the time and how I made my existence revolve around whether I had a boyfriend or not or whether someone liked or not and I spent so much energy and so many days just thinking about that and only that.  How I would determine whether I had a good or bad day based on that crap I continued to write about.  Did I have a problem or was I just insane?  Who knows at this point but I am relieved I have moved my focus on other things such as my health, and by that I mean since I became HIV positive it has been a challenge to stay positive, no pun intended, and keep out of the misery or the depression I seem to find myself dipping into a lot lately.  Lately the depression has been taking me to very dark and lonely places, only because I have been allowing it to progress to a point where I start to consider suicide and start to even plan it and how it would be done.    

The last few weeks have been a challenge but I have amazingly stayed strong and not stress out over it.  I was planning on moving because I was behind in rent due to the fact that I can not find work and now that we are in the age of the internet and social media craze, we are not allowed to go directly into a business and physically apply for a job anymore.  They require you to go online and do it that way.  Now I totally understand the reasoning behind it, but I don't have to agree with it.  How is someone going to be able judge your character by a computer screen.  When I was a manager of a huge law firm downtown Los Angeles, I would require you to come in because I needed to see how you present yourself and react to the questions I would ask and see how you are dressed.  I may have an impressive resume, but if I am not able to sit face to face with you, how are you going to truly find out what kind of person I am!?  So the whole process has been very defeating and such a hit to my self esteem and moral or energy and motivation.  

A couple of days ago I got another therapist to help me deal with some underlying issues that I have compressed so deep inside that I don't even know what they are any more, but I know that I tend to fly off the handle at any given moment in a rage or start crying.  And I have a lot of anger towards my dad and can't seem to put that behind me.  I am of course going to my AA meetings on a regular basis, so those are encouraging and very helpful.  Always nice to seek outside help, and there is NOTHING wrong with it!